Dot here, I'm a trainee sports therapist, longtime runner, and recently qualified nutritionist (just started study sports nutrition & eating disorders).
I have to confess that I was completely unaware how many athletes there are out there with ED's, and have to take my hat off to anyone who is not only able to admit they have a problem but has the confidence to write into the RW forum - surely that is a major step towards the road to recovery.
0 ·
Comments
What bothers me alot is that its still a taboo subject. I've tried talking to people about it but they don't know what to say. It seems to be akin to admitting you're an axe murderer! People don't want to know. Not even on these forums. I expect their are a large number of people on these forums who suffer from an ED but are too scared to admit it because they are worried about everyone else's reaction. The problem of course being that this merely enhances the feelings of self disgust and makes you feel more than ever before that and an ED is something to be ashamed of.
I am well now but only because I made myself seek professional help and found a fantastic counsellor.
I agree with Nikki and Shins - it never goes away. You just learn to live with it (or live around it). Neither you nor the demon can win outright, so you meet somewhere in the middle.
Ten years ago in my early 20s I dropped nearly half my bodyweight inside a year and was pretty grotesque. People who knew me asked me if I had cancer and AIDS. Hmm, tactful.
I simply could not eat without feeling as though I was committing the gravest sin on earth. Everything I did was at my demon's bidding. I knew I looked awful, and I barely had the strength to walk (this lasted four years at its worst) but the desire to look and feel healthier was choked by the demon.
On a slightly more rational/conscious level I was afraid that if I started to eat a little bit more, I wouldn't be able to stop.
That was true in part. When I did start eating more, I put on weight extremely quickly and was soon a fair bit heavier than I'd been before the problem began (super-short and never skinny, just normal). I never puked; I've simply got no gag reflex.
Now, six years after I first started to beat the a------- demon, my weight is low to normal for my height, and my diet is healthy, but ... there's always a "but". I'm always wanting to eat. It's a psychological by-product that just stays with you forever, and you have to learn to control it.
God knows what I've done to my health in the long-term, but I seem to be OK. I'm not interested in having children. I've been on the pill for years, so I don't know whether I'd have periods naturally (I don't think I would, to be honest). What I do know is that I will always feel guilty about eating.
Which brings me to running, and what a gift it's been for me. I wish I'd discovered it a decade ago (not that I would have got very far). For the first time in as long as I can remember, food is good, it's fuel, it helps me reach a goal.
It's not *quite* a ceasefire with my demon, but hostilities have definitely waned.
One unfortunate footnote is that I strained a muscle in my ankle a couple of weeks ago and have been off running for a fortnight. It's been pretty hard, not least because I'm back to feeling guilty about food, though that hasn't stopped me eating well. I survived at a healthy weight for four years between the end of my ED and the time I started running, so a few weeks out of action is not going to send me back into bonesville. But GOD I'm looking forward to getting out there again and eating my porridge with impunity!
Gotta get back to work now, but couldn't resist having a babble. There's an awful lot to say.
Best wishes to everyone who reads this thread.
Pixie xx
I was very interested to read that you feel like you always want to eat. I've been like that too and it really gets me down some days. But your message was really inspirational and I'll keep fighting with everything I've got.
All the very best to you and I hope you are back running soon.
xxxx
You're spot on with everything you say
(x)
thankyou
Im not anorexic, but you describe that food relationship so well
you live with it
it never completely goes away
good luck to you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Best wishes everyone
xx
Pleased that someone is discussing these things considering all the weightloss articles that are on this site!!!
I refuse to believe that you can't get over it. It is a long process of discovery (naff I know sorry) and the mistake is to put a time line on it all. It is about being brave enough to accept yourself and then having the dedication to recover (I think the Penguin's article is also relevant for EDs).
I have read every book going and while they all have something to contribute at the end of the day you need to learn to trust yourself and your body.
It does take a long time but you can do it, just don't give up on yourselves please.
please believe me you arent alone
this affects up to 50% of women in different ways
and a lot of them are "normal" weight
It hides a whole cycle of bingeing/excess exercise/laxy abuse and so on
youd be surprised
I binge on chocolate and sweet things, then hide the evidence from everyone else. Feel annoyed with myself for doing it and then go out and run to get rid of it.
I guess it is more common than I initially realised.
Now
i wa like that
im now badly overwieght but fit
and i think my head is in a better state
this site does make me worse sometimes though