Howdy, Stranger!
Categories
Friday Joke (s) by Petere Kaye but I don't know who he is.....
![[Deleted User]](https://w5.vanillicon.com/5b652532606e9ca8debbfbed7c1c43a9_100.png)
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week,phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately
she'd popped her clogs.
> > > >
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it.
> > > >
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
> > > >
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
> > > >
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
> > > >
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
> > > >
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
> > > >
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
> > > >
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
> > > >
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
> > > >
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
> > > >
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
> > > >
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of
Marmite......... one jar.
> > > >
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".
> > > >
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
> > > >
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
> > > >
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
> > > >
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
> > > >
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
> > > >
she'd popped her clogs.
> > > >
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it.
> > > >
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
> > > >
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
> > > >
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
> > > >
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
> > > >
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
> > > >
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
> > > >
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
> > > >
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
> > > >
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
> > > >
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
> > > >
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of
Marmite......... one jar.
> > > >
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".
> > > >
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
> > > >
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
> > > >
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
> > > >
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
> > > >
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
> > > >
The materials in this website are in no way intended to replace the professional medical care, advice, diagnosis or treatment of a doctor, qualified personal trainer, therapist, dietitian or nutritionist Runners's World, Part of the Hearst UK well-being network © Copyright 2017
Comments
tee hee
And he does the John Smith adverts, like the bombing in the swimming pool, "'ave it!" with the football, taking him mum to the old folks home "'cos the kids are scared of your moustache", and telling his daughter not to be scared of monsters under the bed - she should be scared of burglars coming through the window.
And "Phoenix Nights" was on Channel 4.
He also has a live DVD / video worth watching - "Live From The Top Of The Tower".
Has anyone been watching "Early Doors"? The one set in the pub? It is very funny.
Hi FR
Got a great shirt tghis morning :-)
enough of this t'internet stuff.
Lovely day isn't it. I've had a bit of retail therapy myself this morning.
More pots of paint?
this is the bit where Fruity makes a comment about Smitch & lady in the same sentence
Are you at work Gavo?
I also bought some running tights in the sale.