bullying at school and how to deal with it

Hello all, I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to handle the situation.

#1 son is in Yr 1, and is one of the smallest in the class, and is a quiet, polite and sociable boy - he's not one of the physical pushy/shovey types. He's having problems at break times with 3 Yr2 boys (two of which are twins) who turn on him and kick him. When he told me about todays incidents I asked why he didn't shout to one of the teachers he said 'I tried but they put their hands over my mouth to stop me'. I am still a bit livid and a tad upset.

My instant reaction is to storm in guns blazing to the head teacher (I have already brought it up with his class teacher) but I don't want to make things worse.
I was thinking of keeping a diary of 'events' but if I make too much of an issue of it with #1 son then does it become an even biger problem in his mind - at the moment he's very happy at school, and just tells me that those boys have been nasty to him again, he's not getting upset about it (yet).


All advice/experience gratefully received please.
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Comments

  • Sorry to hear you are worried about your son.

    Hi fraggle, your son is happy at school which is good, he told you about the incident in the playground that is good. What did the class teacher say she would do about the problem?


    My son was what you would call a "sensitive" child when he started school, and I was told by his then teacher it was about time he grew out of it. I ignored what she said, told my son it was okay to stand up for himself but it was not okay to be nasty to others. He is now over 6 feet tall, still abit "sensitive" but is a fine confident teenager.

    Good luck.
  • Where's Barkles when you need him?

  • Hi Fraggle, sorry to hear about this. I would suggest that you go back to your son's teacher and explain that there's still a problem. I'm a Y2 teacher, and I always want to hear of any problems regarding children in my class, so that I can do something about it. His teacher may have spoken to the boys teacher (who may have spoken to them), but obviously further action needs to be taken. Then, if you are still unhappy with the outcome, go and see the headteacher. Our Head always refers parents to teachers in the first instance anyway, but if you and your son are not happy, you must see him/her.

    Hoping the situation is resolved quickly and happily.

    Jen
  • HillyHilly ✭✭✭
    Personally Fraggle I would bring this incident to the attention of the Head and class teacher. You can tell them your son is happy at school, but it is important for you and your son that his teacher is aware so that they can keep an extra eye on things!

    Nothing has to be said to the boys just yet if that's your wish, but closer monitoring might be in order!!

    I always think if a child tells you something to do with others being nasty it's because they want you to help them deal with it.

    There is NO place in schools for BULLYING and schools rely on children and parents to come forward if this is happening. They cannot do anything unless they are aware of it, so report this incident to them!
  • I agree with the comments above. Bring it to the teachers attention. It will be dealt with quickly and because it is younger kids, hopefully, (probably), they will get a fright and pack it in.

    Also I think that kids have to be taught to stand up for themselves. I remember a teacher telling me that if I was being bullied I should stand up to the bully. Even if I got a pasting for it, the bully would leave me alone after that cos I had stood up to him. took his advice, got a kicking, but was never bothered again. however, we were that bit older, so maybe not so good with younger kids.
  • I totally agree with Hilly.

    And also make sure your son knows he did the right thing to tell you :)
  • Yes definitely tell the head teacher as this isn't something that is happening with class mates telling your child's teacher isn't enough. Best to put it in writing - I know this might sound a bit serious but when it's your kids happiness best to go over the top.

    If it happened again I would be putting my concerns directly to the parents of the boys concerned.
  • Talk to the teacher again. If nothing has been done, write to the head. We had a similar problem when our daughter started school - it was sorted pretty quickly after we told the teacher.
  • Fraggle

    You must tackle this now. Bullying both in schools and the workplace is a curse - I should know I live with and care for someone who's life was effectively destroyed by years of this behaviour.

    Firstly make the school aware that it is their responsibility to tackle this not yours. The best approach has been outlined above. Initially speak to the teacher. After you have done so you should keep records of any incidents that occur. This can include verbal as well as physical abuse. The key is whether a particular incident makes your lad feel unhappy or vulnerable. Make a note of how he feels, and sign and date each entry. You don't have to tell him you are keeping a record, just have a chat with him every evening.

    If the situation does not improve - go to the headteacher with the diary. Keep a record of what was agreed, and if necessary back this up with a letter - it doesn't have to be heavy just a "Thanks for seeing me" and a general summary of what was agreed.

    If things still don't improve write more formally, and if you still don't get anywhere write to the Chair of Governers.

    This should do the trick - however you do have the option of complaining to the local education authority and ultimately you may be able to take out a restraining order against the other two kids (don't take my word for this though - take some advice).

    Always remember that this is not your fault, and it is not your sons fault. Constantly reassure him (and yourself) of this. It is the schools responsibility to sort this out, and you must make this clear to them.

    Sorry I'm ranting.

  • Thanks peeps.
    Have spoken to his teacher today, and she says she WON'T have #1 son upset as he's lovely. (her words!) and will have a serious chat with the other 3 boys later. As this is the second time I've mentioned it this week I think it's being taken more seriously.
    I will keep a diary of what happens, and I will take it to thw Head if there's no progress.
  • Good news Fraggle (is that #1 son on your shoulders?).
  • Fraggle I'm sorry to hear that you have having problems as you have two really lovely boys. Hopefully this will now be the end of it, but do keep a diary as it will help in the future and also serve as a reminder to yourself that you are not being silly about the whole thing etc. Love to all your family, Spans x
  • Do talk to teacher and head teacher about it.

    I have three sons, now grown, and had various experiences of bullying. One of the boys will probably suffer all his life from the consequences, (he had various problems that made him a natural target). It will not be good either for your boy or for the bulliers if it persists. If it stops, all parties will likely get over it.

    One thing to keep in mind is to edit all correspondence written and verbal with school staff with a view to keeping them "on side": Staff don't want bullying problems either and need to know, but sometimes (particularly with less confidenct teachers) do interpret parental input incorrectly as a challenge to their competence. It helps to keep those channels of communication clear and positive.

    In the primary school I felt the teachers always responded very well to my request for help in such matters.

    Not that I recommend this solution, finish with a story of the 3rd child.

    He was a new boy in year 1. Children, being conservative, did not approve of the newcomer, and explained this to him by hauling him off in the bushes a break time, digging their nails into his arm, pinching and twisting, leaving bleeding welts.

    I remonstrated, teachers were suitably shocked and horrified, promised to do something about it, but it still went on.

    A week later, the boy came home bouncing and smiling. "No problems today then?" I asked. "No" he replied hopping cheerfully. "Oh, did the teachers sort it out then?" "No."

    A dark thought occurred to me. "What happened then?"

    There was a long pause, then he said "I did something to them behind the bushes."

    I said "What, exactly, did you do to them?"

    An even longer pause. "I'm not going to tell you."

    I never did learn, except the mid term assessment of his progress was that he was settling in well, except half the children appeared to be frightened of him.

    Sorry for rambling.
  • Fraggle - I don't have children so can't advise, though everyone else's advice seems pretty good BUT: have you considered taking your son to judo or martial arts classes? It might sound a bit extreme, but it's really good fun, it helps build confidence and if the bullies do try kicking him, he'll know how to kick back. The first time he kicks back will probably be the last time they try kicking him...

    When I was a year or two older than your son, three or four boys in the class above tried to bully me and my younger brothers(mainly, I think, because we were all small for our age anyway, possibly also because we were very close). My mother arranged for me and my brothers to have judo classes one summer holiday, which were so much fun, and when we returned for the new term, I found it very satisfying to be able to take out two of the boys at once (twins as well, as it happens) when they tried picking on me. They never tried again... on me or anyone else.

    Not that I advocate violence, but most bullies are cowards and they're probably picking on your son because they think he's unlikely to fight back. Anyway, hope you get it sorted, bullying's horrible. At least your son's teacher is on his side!
  • Yes whacking the bully often can do the trick - but it can also backfire quite spectacularly.

    I agree with stickless though. Tact is everything and schools don't want to be labelled as palces where bullying can thrive.

  • Hi fraggle,
    Horrible situation, and delighted to hear that action is being taken.

    Have to say that I disagree a little with recommendation that you should use a softly softly approach with the school. Certainly, I think you should be courteous and open minded with your approach to them, and if you think they're dealing with the situation as they should then fine. If not, then get tough, be a b*tch. It gets results!
  • Yes, pester the teachers and head until you are satisfied. They too often let things go too far before doing anything about it. We had/have the same problem with our son, who is not shy and quiet and doesn't seem the sort to be bullied. Sometimes teachers and heads are too concerned about the school as a whole and how well it does to worry about individual kids. But don't give up and don't take no for an answer. Threaten them with the local papers if you have to.
  • Sorry to hear that Fraggle, i agree with most, but do take your son to judo/karate. It is a good disciplin and when the bullies hear he can look after himself they'll soon stop.
    All the best,hope it works out well, let us know when he's a black belt champion!
  • FR - I'm not advocating that Fraggle's son goes in armed as a hitman!! Just that martial arts classes teach blocking and defence moves too, which might stop him getting hurt and give him enough confidence that the bullies won't see him as a soft target any more. If they end up on the floor next time they try kicking him or putting their hands over his mouth, they might think twice before doing it again.

    It might be different if they were older, but if they're the year above, the bullies can only be 6 or 7 themselves. I wouldn't think they'd be likely to turn up the next day with a knife! Aged 13 or 14, it might be a very different matter...

    Stickless - sounds like your son sorted things out for himself pretty well! It can't have been anything too bad though, or you'd have heard of it from a different source by now...
  • I was bullied throughout primary and for the first two years of secondary school. it finally stopped when I stood up to the bully and told her exactly what I thought of her etc (and pinned her against a wall with my full 13 stone whilst i told her why she was such a drop kick). No one had ever stood up to her before and as a result she stopped her behaviour. In fact, we became good friends and she was a nice person after all. All bullies appear to be insecure and I found that an intelligent use of words tends to floor them as it makes them look very stupid in front of everyone.

    Not sure if it would work today though. Kids scare the hell out of me.
  • Snail

    The point was meant generally - its better to try to get things done by negotiation if possible.

    There is another way - a mate of mine at school was being bullied once. One lunchtime the bullies cornered him as usual, and suddenly he went down twitching with blood pouring from his mouth, apparently unconcious. Everyone was terrified - including the bullies. An ambulance was called, and the police turned up. Whilst they were loading his apparently inert body onto a stretcher he opened his eyes, looked at me and winked !! The little s*d had got some fake blood from a local joke shop - the bullies hadn't touched him....

    Of course he got the whole nine yards in terms of sympathy and the bullies got caned (yep they could do that in them days).

    Of course I wouldn't reccommend that either....
  • Other bullying story, same child, as a year 7 kid first year at secondary school.

    The Gang rather wanted him to take part on this occasion, were disappointed that he showed some reluctance to join in. "Toady to the teachers" they taunted. "Oh, I'm supposed to toady to you, am I?" was his reply.

    After that, the sides were drawn. Incidents of bookbags being grabbed and ransacked, being knocked off bike, until once, when teachers were not looking, they got him. The ringleader, a rather small child, in the presence of his fans, laid into the boy, who simply laughed. The ringleader was so appalled at this effect he slunk off tail between legs.

    As the boy said later, both his brothers hit a whole lot harder than that boy.

    The other brothers, being less confident, chose at secondary school to take part in lunchtime clubs rather than risk the dangers of free time. Music has its charms. Actually boy 3 also did a lot of music too.
  • Good luck Fraggle!

    Lots of good advice here so I'll not repeat it.

    All I will say is make sure your little lad feels safe and loved at home. Kids can put up with an awful lot if they know Mum and Dad are on their side.
  • Big hugs to fragglet no 1.

    Fingers crossed it all turns out well :-)

    JJ
  • I was bullied whilst at junior school - it stopped when my patience snapped and I punched the person doing the bullying on the nose. Got into trouble for scrapping but was never bullied again.
  • Fraggle good luck to you, it's not easy as a parent to know what to do for the best. I have been there as well with my daughter.

    My daughter was bullied in 1st year of senior school 11 years ago. Despite telling the teacher who then reported it to the headmaster it continued. I arranged appointment to talk to headmaster but all he wanted me to do was drop my complaint. As far as he was concerned bullying did not happen in his school!
    This was said even after the class teacher had stated that she had seen it happen with her own eyes and had intervened before.

    In the end we happen to be in the small market town one weekend when the three 'bully' girls were walking towards us. My daughter was scared but I encouraged her to say really loudly,' Look mum it's the three girls who bully me at school and then to shout out all the girls full names and point to them. This was done in a packed pedestrian precinct. Everyone stopped shopping to look round at them. The three girls looked horrified when they realised people were looking at them in disgust and they scarperd down the nearest alley way beetroot faced.

    My daughter never had another problem with them after that, she was able to stand up to them herself on the Monday having gained some confidence from the weekends events.

    We actually ended moving with my husbands job that summer so she moved schools and became a helper on the bullying line in her new school. She now is a teacher herself and takes bullying very seriously.
  • My kids abandoned the reasonable method for the swift punch by the 2nd or 3rd year at primary school and didn't seem to have too much of a problem with physical bullying.
    Verbal beatings up have been much more painful, especially for my youngest daughter. She dealt with the latest round of threats by confronting gang members individually, which seemed to work quite well.
    Having a sister in the 6th form who looks like a 21st century Boadicea and has a gob like a park gate might also have helped.
  • Fraggle - really really feel for you right now

    MiniSS has been bullied out of 2 schools - absolutely horrific incidents. We kept diaries / documented cases with witnesses - including parents - everything. The schools / governors / head / and LA were absolutely appalling - - closing ranks and denying that there was 'evidence' of what she was going through. On one occassion I took her to the Drs for 'independent evidence' of the fact that she had a split lip and for her to say to someone in authority but indepenendent of the school what had happened - the LA's response was to start an investigation on US - (not the bully who had a track record from his previous school) as 'obviously' we were overprotective parents....... - she's polite / kind / caring incredibly mature for her age - not into 'boy bands' etc - unfit - small - so obviously an easy target. She always will be until her 'peers' are mature adults - a horrific prospect - she's got years ahead of her

    There are people on this forum who can give advice and encouragement re 'what to do' from their experience as heads (Barkles is Brill!) - and this helps you know that you are not 'wrong' to stand up for your child. Sometimes you need support from someone like that just to maintain your convictions.

    It sounds like you're lucky and have a good teacher - and I hope the problem is sorted for you. But the one thing I'd always say is if it ever drags on and on and isn't resolved
    a) abandon your own hobbies and dedicate more and more time to your child - he'll need your assurance more than ever and
    b) better to be in a good school with the odd one bad teacher than a bad school with the odd brilliant teacher. Changing schools is more traumatic for the parents than the child - they adapt easily - even tho every instinct in the parents is not to move them.

    OK that was 2 things - ! I can't count

    But hopefully your problems are over and your teacher will sort it.

    Good Luck


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