For the past few months it has become very apparent that my elven year old brother-in-law has been stealing...usual story it starts with small amounts of money, gets bigger, is always sorry, doesn't know why he does it etc....Always gets what he wants and does not want for anything. So no real reason.
His mother, my wife (his sister) and me have had several talks, tried the disappointed line, banning him from doing things, removed toys, computers etc..but he toes the line for a few weeks and then it starts again. He's even had the tour of the local nick.
Any ideas team.
FF
Comments
It's a bugger, isn't it. Sometimes they just don't fit the textbook.
Don't stop with all the stuff you've tried - keep applying it for consistency's sake. Eventually, we can only hope, it will either mean something to him - or he'll just get bored with it all and stop.
Good luck.
Without implying anything here but....could it be this is an underlying symptom of something else? Is he doing it for attention? Is it an outlet for stress/anxiety? Is he being bullied and being made to do it? Is he being bullied for the money?
Just a thought starter, nothing else.......
Good luck! Parenting is so f-in hard and no one gives you a manual how to do it because there are so many variables!
with JJ.just try keep on with consistency........
a lot of kids go through the stage,..............but as we all know some come out of the stage and some just get worse...........horrible situtaion to handle.....
yes check for underlying things..........
my eldest has gone/ going through it but it has always been minor.....packets of crisps , biscuits etc............and maybe the odd pound................
its horrible to think you can't leave money or your purse anywhere around in your own home
Good luck.........
+ 1 for what the others have said (particularly about it being a symptom of some other problem he can't articulate), bar JohhnyBike's suggestion, but to add another thought:
if he "toes the line" for a few weeks, then it escalates, could you make some sort of "arrangement" to talk to him each week, to see how he's getting on. Whether you make it on a formal or informal basis, perhaps if he knows that someone is keeping that close an eye on him (not, I'm sure that you aren't in other ways), maybe it would be enough to break the cycle.
It sounds as if there's more to it, so perhaps this too would be a way of getting to the bottom of it.
But as seren said, perseverance will really help.
Good luck and for taking it on.
It definitely comes across as an attention thing. Apart from your wife, does he have any other siblings, particulary of a similar age?
Most of my childhood friends have done jail time, (for dealing illigal substances and violence towards people who owed them money)
I was simply a vile child, teenager, young man (but I never stole) although I was shown much love, and made to feel special by my family.
I never had disapline, I never ever knew where that line was and how crossing it would effect me personally.
My parents used to talk to me, tell me they were disapointed, even had a tour of the local nick when I first started getting in trouble, I believe this was supposed to scare me. The fact remains none of this effect me personally.
I honestly believe if I was given a much needed slap as a consequence of my actions when I started going off the rails I would have become a far better and nicer person earlier in my life.
It was only getting consequence in my life which changed things, I met my OH who made it clear my lifestyle and the things I was doing made a relationship not viable.. I had a choice to make and made the correct one.
Some Kids can be told that a fire is hot and not to touch it, other Kids need to get burnt to understand that touching it is a bad thing to do.. The question you have to decide is do you burn them if they do not listen or keep telling them the same thing until they set themselves on fire. As JohnnyBike wrote I was the kind of kid who needed to be beaten perhaps others do also.
You can set boundaries, use discipline without resorting to hitting / beating / smacking someone. I've never used physical punishment with my two, have never needed to nor do I understand it as a concept.
Who hasn't?! IMHO, though, hitting etc is more about the parent losing control than the parent wishing or attempting to discipline the child.
what's all this namby pamby political correctness about disciplining children, setting boundaries etc?
just beat them senseless. that's what happened in my day.
never did us any harm.
Yet another insightful response from Skotty there. Or possibly an attempt at inciteful....
Doesn't matter how many possesions some kids have,if they crave attention they'll find a way to garner it. He may well get plenty of attention, love and support already but he's 11 which means he has a chip on his shoulder by default. He steals, you react, he gets his reaction, everything calms down again, he craves that attnetion - good or bad. Unfortunately there's no easy answer as every kid is different.
Maybe you could consider talking to him and making a deal whereby he forfeits something substantial but also has to do something for a volunteer led group for a month - working in a charity shop or old folks home visiting for instance. At 11 this will be his idea of hell but may also teach him the virtues of compassion rather than the punishments due him through expected bad behaviour of the future.
Agree
Disagree
I was hit quite a bit as a kid - ran away from home until my mother promised not to hit me again.
Anyway - stealing, yes a lot of children go through this, sometimes there is an underlying reason, bullying, insecurity etc. Other times it's just growing up and working out right from wrong which isn't something that happens overnight.
I agree with whoever it was that said talk to him about how he is coping with the not stealing. I've worked with problem children and its normal to have daily and weekly meetings to find out how kids are coping. You can often find out so much more - lets face it you are giving them a safe space to talk. even ask him to tell you if he has taken anything. get him to take responsibilty for his behaviour.
Yep, can of worms, Gyraffe. I'm on my own with two (now teenage) boys - my ex walked out on us when they were 6 and 9. I've managed to navigate them through the intervening years without problems - they do see their father, but only every 2 / 3 weeks and he is far from an influential character in their lives.
Re the talking bit that you mentioned, bm, that would be me - again. That's how I'm bringing up my two - respect and consideration - both ways.
Stealing is wrong.
Give him a clip around the earhole.
Quite. Being "beaten senseless" by your parent doesn't scar you for life and destroy any and all trust you potentially had for your fellow human being. Nor does it destroy your ability to cope with relationships you may form as an adult. I'm quite sure Skotty we all found it absolutely hilarious at the time, its just the being beaten senseless bit has made us forget the joy of a broken nose and being told at 10 years old that you're a piece of shit who destroyed the life of your parent.
Cheers for the replies folks, some good (and some not so good) advice there.
Gyraffe - No, walked away years ago.
As for the idea that you have to beat children to discipline them... what rubbish. I work in inner city london schools and not only can I get them to do what I want without violence, I also see the impacts and damage done to children in the name of discipline at home.
It could be out of boredom, stealing to get a thrill and the adrenaline rush. He might need some stimulation an exciting hobby perhaps, climbing, parkour, diving etc.
Could be due to peer pressure to be in with the "cool kids", then he need a talking to of what is really cool like saying no, maybe a bit of self esteem there as well.
As some above says it could be that he wants to be seen, to be noticed and loved (not saying you don't love him just that it might not be obvious to a kid). Spend more time with him, involve him in what you are doing more.
Might be none of them or could be a combination of all of them.
Maybe get him to due some regular volunteering with people really having it bad, homeless, victims of burglary etc to open his eyes a bit.
Also I don't completely agree with the "Always gets what he wants and does not want for anything." this could be part of the problem. Not knowing the value of things as he never had to fight for or save money to get things. Make him do chores for things, save up money if he wants a lot of things and maybe give him a carrot like a goal to look forward to if he behaves and doesn't steal.
Whatever you choose to do I hope it goes well for you.
So the stealing, doing wrong started. Parents answer was the belt, when I suppose all I needed was a father figure and a proper childhood. No I didn't get anything I asked for/wanted as not a lot was earned in the pits. I was 13 before I got my 1st bike. I always remember getting a board game called Risk, about money/business management or something. I was 12 and it was for 3 to 6 players I think Hmm.
All I,m saying is maybe he needs someone to be a friend/shoulder/father figure to take him to see/do what he is interested in.
Some sound points in there Nicko....Especially the first paragraph, believe it or nopt i bought him a bike for christmas and he can't ride and refuses to let me help him. I have taken a step back from the situation and will try to approach him to see if he will talk, from a friend point of view.
Zaba...well aware that the "gets what he wants" is part of the problem but he is not my child and i'm trying to guide my MIL without ending up telling her what to do.