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Being bullied at work
Soup Dragon
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Just want to share my experiences of dealing with my boss who is on my back big time at the moment with insulting e-mails criticising me for things that are the result of her own failures. Fortunately I have lots of my own past e-mails which I saved to totally contradict what she is saying. I also have the full support a group of hospital Consultants who I am secretary to, as well as my colleagues. On top of that my husband is an employment lawyer so thankfully I am not fighting this alone and I'm up for the fight without feeling too intimidated. But its still a horrid thing to be going through and takes up so much of my time and thoughts and really feel the need to off-load.
I've so far sent an e-mail back to her rebutting what she has said. Yesterday I got a short reply back justifying her actions and adding more patronising comments whilst ignoring most of my points to which I sent (admittedly) a rude response along the lines of "is that it?" She now wants a meeting with me to discuss my reply. I'm at the stage now of getting the union involved and submitting a formal grievance. She has a history of bullying but this time she has picked the wrong one! 
I'm lucky that I've got back-up and support. But how do other people cope who might be going through similar? Come and share your experiences here. I will be posting updates of how I'm getting on too so if you want to watch the battle or join in the debate then come on in.
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Comments
I left my job.
Far easier
I left my job and probabaly destroyed my career
he is still bullying people
The management were fully informed about why I was leaving my job , but havent seen it o do anything
and then they wonder why people keep leaving that dept
Good luck Soup Dragon
Thanks PO, L-L
I am looking round for another job, but I also don't see why I should let some cowardly plonker force me out of a job that I otherwise enjoy and is convenient to where I live. Other jobs I've seen don't have the same pay either so I'm not going to be out of pocket just because of her. I think she would like me to leave actually as that saves her having to answer to anyone about this but I'm not giving her that opt-out. I have rights!
You do indeed SD
Keep a record of everything and good luck!
Does she have a superior that you can complain to?
Unfortunately, I worked for a company that was Welsh Assmebly Government Funded - my dad passed away and they refused to let me have any time off work. I know that Compassionate Leave is not a legal requirement. They wanted to take "legal action" against me when I went to the doctor and got a "sick note" telling me to stay off work for 2 weeks.
I tried to fight them - mainly because the stress they created meant I was worried more about losing my shit job than the fact my father had died and I was 23 years old in a foreign country with my support system thousands of miles away.
I took a knock in salary and moved out of Wales... Sometimes it's not worth it for the length of time that you have to be in work for
the HR department would be a good place to start - if nothing else to log the fact that you think you are being bullied by you boss - keeping notes etc is all good practice, but you won't win this on your own. I'm sure there is a policy on bullying in work in your staff handbook - although I daresay your OH has already gone through the small print of that, worth reading though if you haven't already gone through it.
Good luck with it - I support the tough it out approach. Might be that your boss is under-trained and therefore doesn't have the management skills required, or has other issues (home/work/etc) and this is where HR and the management structure should be able to help.
It's never easy though and at the end of the day, while we can give you ooodles of support, it's going to be down to you to decide what to do in the long rung. your motives for staying sound good though.
((()))
Sorry to hear about that PO. She does have a superior who only started last week and I am going to send the formal grievance to her. I don't have much faith in the system as managers will often stick up for each other but its worth a try and I can't make any claim to a tribunal without going through the procedures (if thats what it comes to, but probably won't go that far). What is really cowardly of her is that I am on leave now for 3 days but she waited until 4.50pm, 10 minutes before I was due to leave yesterday to send her latest bullying e-mail.
Thanks Pit Stop. Our HR dept is rubbish LOL! Different people there every week, nobody wants to stay and the HR director has just left too! I should send my grievance via them but I'm sending it direct with just a copy to HR because they tend to conveniently lose things!
Thanks for your support and replys so far everyone. Feeling a lot better about it.
When I was a lowly NHS minion (staff nurse) I was bullied by the department sister... I went into her department with an exemplary track record and wealth of knowledge from outside of nursing - I guess she didn't like that. She bullied me right up until I quit - and then she asked why I was leaving....
I agree that HR do need to be involved and also know that HR are typically crap (apologies to any good HR peeps on this forum) - but in my experience they've been as useful as a choccie teapot. However, they do need to know - get your union rep to have a listen and get them (if available) to come along to any meetings - third party presence is important so that she doesn't conveniently change her tune if you get as far as tribunal - plus it'll be an extra and impartial pair of ears.
Sending you big hugs hun!!
Last week I left my job because of a bulling situation was beginning to get worse. I told the colleague who was behaving very badly toward was me that what I think and then I requested, with someone above, that I wish to end my contract early - 9 months early. I am too long in the tooth to put up with such shit.
Bulling is not something anyone should put up with, and the simpler thing ( not always the best) to do is to leave the situation. Bullies love to exercise their pathetic little control over other people. When you can leave just do that, and when the time comes be sure to have you say - in a polite but firm way. Try not to lose your cool. Bullies don't like being known as bullies; surprising but true. Don't feed them by retaliate. They love confrontations and use any excuse to humiliate their victims. So make sure it is known at your work place who is the bully. Meanwhile just keep all records, and consider talking to a solicitor. If there is a union at your work place use it. Some unions are better then others.
Do your formal complaint - keep a copy and make sure you complaint properly. Study your company's grievance procedure - your company should have one. In such matters remember knowledge is power and the most you know and prepare the better is you chance of success. You probably have other colleagues who are unhappy with what is going on, or even being bully. Make alliance with them and complaint together, if you can.
Best of luck
Here is the link to the government advice forum thing
DirectGov
I tried to follow their steps, but didn't really get very far. If I were you, I would nail them. I ran away because I couldnt' be asked to deal with my problems as well as the lives of shit employers who were WAG funded.
Numpties!
Good luck though
I worked for a small, owner run company, and wasn't so much bullied as had my professionalism compromised by him and his attempts to get one over on everyone and anyone. I tried on many many occasions to influence his behaviour, and try to convince him that pi$$ing off the VAT man, the PAYE peeps, suppliers and customers was not doing his business any good, but it was his way and no other.
Eventually, when I started losing lots of sleep over it, I resigned. He tried to convince me not to leave with promises that things would change, and when it became obvious that I wouldn't (I'd heard him promise other people the earth in similar situations), tried to get me to say that I was leaving due to the long commute.
The day I left I sent an e-mail to the auditors (we were mid-way through the audit at the time) telling them all the information I had been unable to get my hands on (as FD, I didn't get to see bank statements for one of the accounts!), and listing the areas that I felt "needed some attention prior to completion of the accounts, as I hadn't been able to resolve them before I left".
I met the audit senior a couple of years later, and he told me that they had resigned as auditors following that year - he didn't say why, but his face spoke volumes.
At least in the public sector there will be a grievence procedure which SHOULD be followed, even if the people who are dealing with it are pants, so that if and when it gets as far as a tribunal, there is a trail of evidence. In small business, it is often one person's word against anothers, and almost impossible to prove anything,
Some good comments here. Not much I can do now till I'm back in work on Tuesday but I've got my action plan together so not going to worry about it before then. So, I'm going to join the union, write a grievance, inform HR, keep cool and try not tell her to just f*** herself!
Nessie - you are right that being in a big beurocracy helps and the NHS is one of the biggest with procedures for absolutely everything. My boss is so stupid too. She doesnt say things face to face because she's a coward and does everything on e-mail so I've got a ready made dossier of evidence! In a way I'm actually looking forward to this.
I read a really helpful book once called 'In Sheeps Clothing' by George K Simon.. He is a clinical psychologist. It is about understanding and dealing with manipulative people. It gives away all the strategies of a bully, how to spot what is going on, but best of all, how to deal with them - what to say. I recommend it. Just reading from the back of the book it quotes 'power tactics manipulators use to push their own agendas and justify their behaviour'; 'how to spot potential weaknesses in your character that can set you up for manipulation'. and so on.. Have the wool lifted from your eyes!
Good luck and try not to lose sleep over it.
As a teacher I was bullied for 2 years. I got the union involved, kept notes of everything, even went so far as start official complaint procedures.
But
one thing that looking back on it (this was all 8 years ago), I didn't take into account at the time, was that she was appointed by the people to whom I was complaining.
You mention your bully Soup Dragon is a serial bullier, as was mine. So why hasn't anything been done about it before you? I have to admit it took over my life whilst I was going through it, I was constantly thinking of ways to deal with it, or ways to avoid it, or just ways to tell her to "f*** off"! Once I actually got to complaint procedures, I found she was supported by the head, when I wasn't. After my complaint was dealt with, little changed. Even when I left and wrote an open letter to the board of governors stating what had made me leave my post, there was no acknowledgement from any of the senior management team. They didn't want to know. To get someone sacked, which as far as I can see would have been the best solution, would have been near impossible. So much better try to avoid the issue, and hope one of us leaves so solving the "problem". Horribly cynical, but true.
I left, and now I work for myself...................and if I met my bully in the street (which is unlikley as she's since left the country!), I'd shake her by the hand and thank her for forcing me to rethink my options. I'm a running and power walking coach now, and I love it! I left a job a enjoyed, but found one thats 100 times better. I think she was really quite unhappy too, and I'd like to think she is a lot happier now too.
Bullying is horrible, and it can completely consume you whilst you're living through it. Is it really worth it though? Like Chi says, once you react to the bullying you are giving them what they want, seethe in private, remain calm in public...........................then try to decide whether you are really up for going the whole hog to tribunal. For me, life was too short, and it was the best decision I ever made to get out when I did.
Good luck..........and remember you're a lovely person, who just walked into a horrible situation!!
What is it you hope to achieve?
As Fin says, you are very unlikely to be able to get rid of the bully - the best you can hope for is that she will be made to stop the behaviour, but you are going to have to continue working with her.
And she is going to really resent you for (as she sees it) getting her into trouble. She'll just get more subtle about it.
Sorry to bring such a negative point of view to this otherwise supportive thread, but in my view life is too short to put yourself through it.
I'd get myself another job.
and the inpept (for that is usually what bullying managers are) are left just to carry on and people have to go thru all the upheaval because the management is inept
NHS seems to be riddled with a combination of inept and bull(ish) management - maybe its a reflection of the pressures inherent within the NHS or maybe its a reflection of how people improve their lot by moving into management when they dont have the skills, experience or aptitude to manage staff well - particularly under pressure and through change - skilled professional managers dont need to bully staff to get them to perform well
Trusts dont like the B word and have to do something when it is raised so if you have enough support and back up then use the system to at least air your grievances and not let this person carry on getting away with it in the future.
Then getter a better job and leave !
I left my job too.
Totally inept management committee.
I am now enjoying watching my incompetent ex boss run the organisation into the ground - serves them right!
Wilkie - don't apologise for being negative. I welcome the debate. My only thoughts at the moment are that I don't want her to get away with this. If she hates me at the end well that will be her problem not mine. I don't work in the same office as her so provided she keeps away from me (which she used to do until recently) I can probably live with that.
Someone once told me that the publc sector is full of crap or failed managers because they can't get a job or cope in the private/industrial market. Think theres a lot of truth in that.
Having worked in the private sector, I found worse bahviour there than I have ever encountered in the public sector.
I didn't like the attitudes of the money-driven private sector firm I worked for. They've since gone down the drain (Arthur Andersen)!
I've never encountered bullying behaviour here (University), and several of the managers I deal with came from the private sector and are far from failed or crap managers. You get good and bad everywhere.
I've worked for a bank and a person there was a bully (female).
There were so many complaints about her she got shown the door.
If you enjoy your job I don't see how "just leave" is a good response - you should file a grievance.
((Soup Dragon))). In the end I just left. I cashed in a tiny, poorly performing saving scheme that was meant to be for a rainy day, as I realised it was pouring buckets!!! All the best with whatever you decide and I hope it works out.
XXXBBH
Johnny Blaze-no, its not a good response, I agree, but when your self esteem is shot to bits after years of insidious bullying you sometimes no longer have the strength to fight, and sometimes taking such action just prolongs the torment
I probably had a good legal case in my sitatuion, but chose to leave it alone forthe sake of my mental recovery
Fin-your situation has a loy of similarities with mine-thiough I wouldnt go so far as to thank my bully
Soup dragon-as long as it dosnt totally F~~~ up your life by fighting this
good luck to you
Soup Dragon - I admire you for having the courage and the mental battery power to stand up to her.
Good luck, and keep us posted