!! New Joke Thread !!

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  • Two parrots sat on a perch .....  one turns to the other ... "hmm can you smell fish?"

  • What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.

    Why are shites tapered? So your arse doesn't close with a bang.

    A skeleton goes into a bar. Barman says 'What can I get you?' The skeleton says 'A pint of lager and a mop and bucket please.'

  • Was in the garden the other day and could have sworn I heard Robin Gibb speak. Then I realised it was just the chives talkin'.

  • Why has no woman ever been to the moon?

    Because it doesn't need dusting.

     

     

  • Olympics Peeping Tom - Declan Crosbie Admits To Spying On Chinese Swimmers In Leeds.
    After his arrest Declan protested his innocence "I didn't do it for sexual gratification, I just wanted to see if they all had pixellated t**ts."

  • Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Because a gang of hooded youths were walking towards me.

  • I was woken this morning to my girlfriend sliding my boxer shorts off me.
    I looked down at her between my legs and said with excitement, "But it's not my birthday until tomorrow."
    "I know, but I wanted to surprise you," she smiled. "And I don't know what size boxer shorts you wear."

  • I came last in the parent's three-legged race at my daughter's sports day.
    I should never have sent her to Chernobyl Primary School.

  • My girlfriend asked me, "If you won an all inclusive holiday for 2 in Mauritius, who would you take?"
    I said, "My mate Dave."
    "What about me?" she asked, staring.
    I said, "No idea, I'm not a mind reader."

  • An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"
    The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
    Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
    ...When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
    Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
    The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

  • Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

    The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

    A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

    Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

    Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

    While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

    He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

    With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.   Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

    "Where's Christian?" he asked.

    "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

    Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

    Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

    Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

    "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!"
  • There was a tragic acident. A people carrier goes over a cliff with Hitler, Saddam Hussien, Osama Bin Laden, Pol Pot and Colonel Gaddafi in it.

    It's was a tragedy, as they could have fitted Russell Brand in as well.

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