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Two parrots sat on a perch ..... one turns to the other ... "hmm can you smell fish?"
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
Why are shites tapered? So your arse doesn't close with a bang.
A skeleton goes into a bar. Barman says 'What can I get you?' The skeleton says 'A pint of lager and a mop and bucket please.'
Was in the garden the other day and could have sworn I heard Robin Gibb speak. Then I realised it was just the chives talkin'.
Why has no woman ever been to the moon?
Because it doesn't need dusting.
Olympics Peeping Tom - Declan Crosbie Admits To Spying On Chinese Swimmers In Leeds.After his arrest Declan protested his innocence "I didn't do it for sexual gratification, I just wanted to see if they all had pixellated t**ts."
Why did the chicken cross the road?Because a gang of hooded youths were walking towards me.
I was woken this morning to my girlfriend sliding my boxer shorts off me.I looked down at her between my legs and said with excitement, "But it's not my birthday until tomorrow.""I know, but I wanted to surprise you," she smiled. "And I don't know what size boxer shorts you wear."
I came last in the parent's three-legged race at my daughter's sports day. I should never have sent her to Chernobyl Primary School.
My girlfriend asked me, "If you won an all inclusive holiday for 2 in Mauritius, who would you take?"I said, "My mate Dave.""What about me?" she asked, staring.I said, "No idea, I'm not a mind reader."
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse....When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."
There was a tragic acident. A people carrier goes over a cliff with Hitler, Saddam Hussien, Osama Bin Laden, Pol Pot and Colonel Gaddafi in it.
It's was a tragedy, as they could have fitted Russell Brand in as well.