A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate".
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head you will really look the part".
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*se, and go as a toffee apple."
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened.
A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. “Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man.
"Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown to the last body.
"Ah" says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the coroner.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK Thanks, but I don't want to have sex Nope, no more booze for me Sorry, but you're not really my type Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight Oh, I just couldn't, No one wants to hear me sing
(Ok so I'm posting my old jokes from the jokes thread, but they are mine!)
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
On Friday night i couldn't even count to 10 not that i even recall trying to say it.Thanks for filling in the gaps juicy julie. we'd been to anne summers party. i was c(k)inky cathy.
Comments
Come on DC, let's have one from you !
Whats blackfloats in water and shouts knickers!
Crude oil
thank you Alice and the wotsits
When is a door not a door ?
When it's ajar.
(just beats yours !)
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note,
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate".
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head you will really look the part".
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads,
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*se, and go as a toffee apple."
A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.
“Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man.
"Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown to the last body.
"Ah" says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the coroner.
5 secrets to a great relationship
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Specificity
British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't, No one wants to hear me sing
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
young thug at bus stop says to elderly lady
"show us your tits Granny"
so she lifts up her skirt.
...I wonder...