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Nipping into the bushes
So there I was, enjoying a nice swim in the lake. A waft of bacon floats across and my stomach decides to make space.
Now when you are running, there's enough time to cover at least 800m and find appropriate cover. But when the 800m is entirely in the water? In a wetsuit?
The outcome is worthy of a dose of imagination and broad use of the edit key.
To begin with, I wasn't bothered. A gurgle. Wind. Pressure released. Happy. Floaty. Fragrant. Then XXXXXXXXXXXXX more urgent XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX need XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX briefly stopped to one side XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX panic XXXXXXXXXXXXXX perhaps I can get away with it XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXX find a buoy XXXXXXXXX can't stand up XXXXXXXXXXXXX undo wetsuit? Not possible, as I've got a one piece tri-suit on as well. Now that was not clever. XXXXXXXXXXXXX Swim to shore in an economical style. Walk with panache, confidence, and elegance, hoping that nobody wants to have a chat.
Find toilets and shower.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Sorted.
What would you have done?
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Comments
Fat Buddha has a story about swimming behind somebody with a similar urgency!!!
Blisters thats shite!
I think one of the pirate ironmen (real name Mark, can't remember his forum name) filled his wetsuit in this manner in a race. Might be the same race with FB's story.
Not sure if he got changed in T1!
Two piece suit for long distance races also make emergencies a little less stressful
Same person, same story Gavo ...!
Nightmare! Not as bad as doing it on a run though which I've done. Not nice being a mile away from home on a busy Saturday hoping your shorts will keep it in until home.
Ha, running on an obscure part of Wimbledon Common one time, I heard a rustling in the bushes and, almost by instinct, looked over - there was a poor befuddled guy, another runner I think though I turned away quite quickly - curling one off. Our eyes met momentarily, but my speed increased to spare him the worst of it. I would imagine he got caught so short he didn't have time to conceal himself properly. Nothing to do with tris, but hey.
I do believe that it might be the season to hang up the wetsuit.
No more problems.
Give it a good wash first.
This thread has potential
!
On holiday last year on a very nice island off the French Atlantic coast, Effing went for a run down the main road.
About two miles in and at a very busy roundabout which had a number of businesses just on the roadside, Saint Paula of Radcliffe came down and bespoke thus "Verily Effing Madness unless you find a bush in the next 20 seconds I shall filleth your pants!"
I looked around and the only cover available was a very well kept Shrubbery in the middle of the traffic island a gap appeared in the traffic and across I went straight into the bushes whilst simultaneously lowering my undercarriage.
What a bless-ed relief!
As I reached to pick some of natures toilet paper from an adjacent bush I glanced round and to my horror found another pair of eyes looking back at me! Another runner had beaten me to it and whilst being similarly afflicted I am sure he understood I have never been so embarrassed in my life!
Not that this has ever happened to me, but I could suggest that it might be sensible to check for nettles before rushing into the bushes, dropping your shorts and squatting.
No, that's never happened to me.
There have been times* when I have not even managed to get round my bog standard 6 mile trot without the need for an investigation of the scenery.
*Many times.
I think you need to review your diet if you struggle to do a 6 mile jog without the need for a sh1t. Why don't you go to the toilet before your run? And I bet you don't clean up after. Quite disgusting and totally unnecessary.
oal4n, it's been said you're not a proper runner unless you've had to nip in the bushes for an emergency Eartha. At Outlaw last year I was full of immodium and my stomach start gurgling away and creating a stream of bubbles behind me, it went away but I'd have walked back to the caravan rather than get my wetty off in T1
I always carry emergency loo roll with me on a run. I've done what Magna Carter hasn't done.... and also had to nip into the bushes one night and got snared by brambles, my legs looked like they'd been ripped to pieces by a shark. On business in Florida once I did the same early one morning in some bushes by a small river, resumed my run on the road above to see a big* alligator in the water about 10 yards from where I'd been.
*proper big,
GraemeK
I accept what you say but that is a different set of circumstances to what Blisters is describing. He seems to be unable to complete a short regular training run (6 miles so less than an hour) without having to have a crap in the bushes. That's just disgusting.
Pop it on ebay - interesting description.
When I squat behind bushes my dog eats it - all of it. I'm not sure if I'm happy that I don't have to clean it up, or really, really disgusted that this animal lives with me.
And then it licks your face - lovely!
You can't force one out just because you're going for a run. I'm not a "regular" person and can often go days (or a week if away on holiday) without a number 2. All the rocking and popping in the world isn't going to make me plop to order.
Wanna borrow my dog?
Well if like Blisters, you need to crap half way round an hours jog then perhaps you should only run for half an hour, do your business at home and then finish the rest of the run. It's not rocket science. And perhaps you need to review your diet to help you be more regular.
I don't need to review my diet at all thank you oal4n - very little shit goes in therefore even less comes out.
Well then it obviously isn't a problem for you, unlike the OP who seems to need a poop just as soon as he leaves the house.
While Blisters is on the dietary training course you've recommended for him oal4n, you could nip and join in on the 'how to empathise and not come across as oh so perfect" course running next door.
Oal4n just how do you propose I stay close to home and therefore my toilet? Buggered if I am going to do laps of the front lawn until the urge comes upon me!
Also like GHOST I don't crap to order and also have a busy job so sometimes need to run within an our of eating, don't have the luxury of waiting!
I think you are reacting to something you personally find distasteful without considering that this is a real problem for some of us and also in the right circumstances very funny
Also just to point out that unless you are an organic vegan? lots of the food you eat will have been fertilised with Human waste spread on the fields hope this doesn't put you off your perfect diet?
And what Magna Carter said!
Effing Madness
Being caught short might be funny once and once only. At that point you would make sure it would never happen again. You would change what caused the incident, whether it was what you ate or time etc. and avoid making the same mistake again.
As to running straight after eating - if it works for you, then who cares, but if it means you are going to have an upset stomach half way round, and have to shit behind a bush every time, why would you do it? Have a light snack first and you meal when you get back. it really isn't that difficult.
Right, pre run Brad sorted, I'll run to the river, see if there's any fish and then back.
GraemeK
Hardly being judgemental. I just like to have some control over my bodily functions.
800+ people do the parkruns where I live. All of them fortunately have control of theirs too - otherwise the parks would be covered in human excrement. Perhaps I live in a posh area where we don't all shit in the street?