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Welcome to my world, Minty. We have no health professional back up any more. They just let you get on with it, especially if the problem isn't severe.
I think your friend should write to her MP and get him involved. That's complete tosh that the authority doesn't have funding. Each school has or should have enough funding for up to 3hours a day 5 days a week support for a child with SEN (ie total of 15 hours). Anything above this and the school then goes to the authority. I assume the Educational Psychologist is involved and he has a statement or is at least on school action plus!!!
This really does make my blood boil.
My eldest gets no support and hasn't really had any for a couple of years. He sounds like Little Mint in some ways. His tutor is pleased with is progress since he started secondary school and he seems to have impressed his teachers too!
Keep us informed as to how he's getting on, Minty. Same goes for you, Tweety, let us know how things progress.
Unfortunately said friend is suffering badly from depression. I spoke to her ages ago about contacting her MP but she wouldn't do it. Basically the school's budget has been taken up with other kids but that's a nonsense because her child needs support too. She' so low she's practically given up and being such a long way away I'm at a loss as to what I can do to help. I try to be there for her but she doesn't even seem to want that, such is the severity of her depression. She was given anti depressants but they didn't suit her and she hasn't tried anything else - said she would rather just get on with it.
For my part, I just need to learn to concentrate on us and stop worrying what other people think. I'm much better at this since being on prozac. I was telling my Mum today how Little Mint hollered at the top of his voice "HELP ME, HELP ME, PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME" late last night because I wanted to put some lotion in his hair for head lice. He was so loud I was half expecting the police to arrive. The village is okay but not ever so friendly and I dread to think what people think of the shannanigans they hear going on in this house.
Last year I got the fire brigade in to educate him about the danger of fire and to instal many many smoke alarms thoughout the house because of his fascination. Unfortunately he thought he was in trouble and ran for it when they arrived. They chased him through the village. Now I know people saw him being chased by two men in plain clothes but I question what they must have been thinking was happening seeing as they didn't see fit to step in and see if everything was okay. I can only assume that they also thought he was in trouble which just about sums them up. It doesn't bother me any more though - I have my cross to bear and I will bear it and if they feel so whiter than white they can judge me all they like. I know I'm doing my best. Sometimes my best isn't quite as good as it might be but it's still my best. I remain proud of my son (warts 'n all) and I'm sure he'll have some major achievements in the future.
The music is going really well - we're now forking out for trumpet and piano lessons and he's amazing on both and coping extremely well with having two things to rehearse - in fact, he's better for it. I might try and push him to work hard to play his socks off in one of his grades so that he can go for the County Young Musician of the Year award. Maybe not quite yet though.
mini tweety wouldn't go anywhere near the fire engine when it came to playschool last year. one of the helpers had to stay indoors with her.
minty, if you can, urge your friend to try another antid. i suffered with postnatal depression with mini tweety and it took me two changes of med until i settled on the third and i can honestly say it completely changed my outlook (for the better.) i believe i can honestly say that without them and the support i have received, i probably wouldn't be here today. you can email me off forum if you want and i would be more than willing to email your friend if she wants.
mini tweety had another bad night on friday. ended up downstairs with her for two hours with OH watchign TV with her, her drawing in between and me doing the washing up. ho hum. she kicked up an almighty tantrum when we said it was time to go to bed and then wouldn't go to sleep until i had read her the gruffalo (for about the 200th time.) i can read that book (along with peace at last, the gruffalo's child and we're going on a bear hunt) by heart.
here's hoping for a good night tonight. fingers crossed!
a better few nights for us. mini not scratching so much.
she has a tendency to shout 'help, help, help' if we are trying to get her to do something, usually out in public much to my test of patience!
big news - mini did her first number 2 on the big girls toilet last night! this has been a real issue for us and she continually said 'nappy on' when she wanted to do the deed. lots and lots of praise.
Well done mini tweety. It's a strain isn't it? Little Mint does the 'help' thing - in public and at home. I keep expecting the police to knock at the door - it's usually very late at night when I can't get him to go to sleep because he's anxious about something or other.
I find I've gradually cut myself off from most of my friends because I'm sick of being told everything is my fault. They mean well but they've no idea how desolate I feel at times and comments like that just aren't helpful. I find the only people who really understand are those that have been there or are going through the same and so I just keep myself to myself now, get my head down and get on with it.
That sounds really miserable doesn't it? I'm not. I'm happy. I'm happy with school, work and life in general - I just don't cope well with judgmental people and so find it's best to keep away from them.
I know what you mean about the anti d's tweety. I was first time lucky with mine and life is so much more bearable now. I had got to the stage where I was planning to end it all as soon as Little Mint didn't need me any more. I had news that someone I had known had committed suicide and the level of admiration I felt for her scared me into going to the doctors.
Fortunately the fluoxetine have done the trick and I'm fine now, if a little numb to everything.
You aren't the only one to feel a sense of isolation Minty.
I lost a lot of "friends" when I first started being Mrs FR's companion. Got all the "Cheap shag" jibbes (if only they knew). I was the person who prefferred the company of a "looney" to his mates in the bar.
When we got married my family virtually disowned me (we were only slightly reconciled when my Mum died about 6 years ago).
When we had kids it was another horror story. Mrs FR's younger sister denounced her to the social services as violent and unstable. We had a hell of a job to hang onto the kids.
So you turn inwards to each other. You start avoiding certain people and places, you build barriers and retreat.
The ending it all bit was Mrs. She made a couple of serious attempts. The second time our son found her. He would have been about the same age as Miny Mint. Bless him he forgot his PE kit and went back for it. That was what made me decide to move here.
To be honest though, like you, I'm happy. I can't imagine any other life now.
I suppose life gets lonelier as we get older and really grow into ourselves and who we are.
That must have been really scary for your son FR. I'm glad the move turned things around for you all.
I made a brilliant career move a couple of years agp and that has helped me enormously because it occupies me completely. It's also a very sociable job - lots of colleagues and many many students. So in actual fact I don't feel too lonely in my private life. I enjoy Little Mint's company, I see my Mum regularly and most of the time we get on and I have a smattering of good friends. What more could a girl want?
Went to parent's evening the other night. Things are still going well at secondary school. There were a lot of complaints about him not getting work down on paper and this was across the board so when I got to his English teacher (who is also the SEN), I explained this to him and he said "perhaps it's time to try an Alphasmart". Amazing! The primary school, when I suggested an Alphasmart, responded "who do you think is going to pay for it?"! New school are also going to teach him to touch type which is a skill I desperately want him to learn. I bought him a teach yourself to type programme a while back but haven't managed to persuade him to do it. I'll be really pleased if he does though because it's an invaluable skill for anyone to have. I wouldn't cope if I couldn't touch type.
Apart from presentation of work, the feedback was really good. Music definitely stands out as his niche - his teacher commented that he quickly grasps theory concepts equivalent to grade 5 theory which isn't bad seeing as he's only at grade 3 for practical and grade 1 for theory.
OMG - I've just noticed the time. Better get some sleep - lots to do tomorrow.
Aw bless mini tweety! That's so sweet. The tantrums are just so upsetting. Even more so when they get beyond the age for it to be acceptable. Little Mint tries to keep it under wraps but the frustration is still there and although he attempts to keep the volume down, you can still hear the hysteria in his voice. God knows what people think but I guess I just don't need to think about that.
I will be interested to hear about the speech and language therapy tweety. It's not something Little Mint ever needed - he was extremely articulate at a very early age. The problem came with the choice of language - he could cut adults down at the age of 3 (which never went down a bundle). He still isn't very good at picking up on social clues - e.g. when somebody isn't finding funny what somebody yesterday found hilarious. He doesn't get it either that the same rude jokes that me and my friends snigger at with him, can't be repeated to my Mum and her friends ... like the time we were having dinner with Mum and her friends and he started to make 'President Bush' jokes about my bikini line which had been hilarious the week before on holiday ... he couldn't understand why everyone at Mum's dinner table was so horrified!
He's just fallen asleep playing his keyboard. He was playing lovely music with his eyes closed! God I love him.
I sometimes think a dose of concrete thinking does folks good.
Mrs only gives a couple of lectures a term , and even then sometimes she really struggles with her speaking. The students always make huge efforts to understand, and even if she runs over no one ever leaves.
On the other hand if she reads the lesson in Church and strugles you can hear the old dears tutting.
As far as interpreting non verbal social signals: Mrs and I have developed a system of subtle signals over the years for social situations. If I see conversation going in a direction thats likely to be open to misinterpretation I just reach out and touch her hand. That means "watch me", so she then takes her lead from me re laughing etc,. We have signals for "this doesn't mean what you think", "this is a confidence", "dirty joke" all that sort of thing.
Has Minty Junior read Dr Jeykll and Mr Hyde? Get him to read that and tell him to be Dr Jeykll with your Mum and Mr Hyde when its just you and him. Might give him the idea about acting differently with different people and not making gaffes. Just a thought.
it's great you've worked out your own system with mrs FR. it can get so frustrating with mini tweety sometimes. she is quite tall for her age and when people talk to her when we are out or ask her questions and she doesn't reply, they either give me a bit of a funny look or laugh it off. i just wish that the death stares when she's having a tantrum and I don't wrestle her away would stop. it's the 'can't you control your child?' looks that i hate and really upset me.
i am looking forward to her specialist speech and language therapy. they are home visits and they are going to give us help with dealing with social situations, visual timetables and prompts (very useful in children with ASD). i know i am going to be nervous with the assessment coming up on 7th feb, but i am hoping that will give us a point to move on from. we are just a bit in limbo at the moment.
Two more fab ideas from FR there. Thank you. I will talk to Little Mint about having signals. That's if he's willing to take them on board. I usually say 'no, not here - don't say it' and he ignores me and continues anyway.
If the speech and language therapy helps with social situations that's fantastic! That's the sort of support I'd have liked.
Being tall for age is tough on any child. I remember years ago seeing a child who looked four, in a buggy with a dummy. I was horrified. It's only after having a larger then life child that I can appreciate that the child could merely have been tall for age. Little Mint had a very hard time through being tall. Even parents of kids the same age as him expect more from him than they do their own.
The paed has now put Little Mint on the back burner saying that she doesn't need to see him again unless I request it. At our last meeting I discussed how much happier he is at school because it's more structured and quite strict and she turned to Little Mint and said "and I bet you'd be better for your Mum if she was stricter too". That really hurt and made me feel that she understands absolutely nothing of what I've told her (particularly in view of her woolly diagnosis that it is likely he has aspergers but not possible to find out for sure because nobody else responded to her letters) and therefore I feel there is absolutely no point in seeing her again. At least the school are amenable to providing any support we feel is needed - that's far better than anything the paed ever offered.
In later life he might benefit from a formal diagnosis, especially when it comes to employment. Workplace bullying of folks with undiagnosed ASD's is very common. With a formal diagnosis they'd do so at their peril. There's also more workplace support available through people like Prospects.
Thats in the future though.
It's good to see speech therapy being applied at a young age. Mrs FR never had the opportunity simply because it didn't exist. In the 1960's therapy for Autistic children was administered using a cane or a slipper. Her speech now is nothing to what it could have been given therapy, however its probably too late now. Despite her great intellect she regards her greatest achievement as finally getting her English GCSE aged 48.
Re the "Death stare" thing. Its just ignorance I gues. There's a paradox for you though - if Mrs has a sensory overload in public then people (correctly) assume She's ill and rush to help. If its a 7 year old Autistic we know its "Tut tut uncontrolled child needs a good hiding"
Of course Mrs got those a plenty - and still has the marks.
((mrs fr))
the autistic society do a tshirt and a badge for kids that says 'i'm not naughty, i've got autism' but i can't imagine putting it on mini tweety as to me, it's like her walking around wearing a huge sandwich board.
am very proud of mini. she went swimming yesterday (one of the things that would usually set her off on one of her biggest tantrums) and she got in and swam with her armbands all by herself
i am so pleased. she wouldn't even let me hold onto her at some points!
I think its important to celebrate the differences between NT's and Autistics. I'm not sure though that the "Not Naughty" T shirt achieves very much thats postitive. It casts Autism as the villain of the piece - an excuse for different behaviour, and apology almost..
Rather something that says "I'm different but hey look what I can do". Mrs FR has a drawer full of T shirts like that. Some are quite subtle with things like Stephen Wiltshire pictures on them, others are more "In your Face". They're all from a positive perspective though, and thats important.
After all why should we apologise for those we love, and pander to peoples ignorance. Autistics have just as much right to be here as anyone else.
i thoroughly agree with you FR. the tshirt is quite a negative thing and that is one thing i certainly don't want for mini. her nan (my mum) sent her a lovely tshirt at the weekend though. it is bright green and in huge letters (covering the entire tshirt) it says 'my nan thinks i'm great.' a great thing as i think it says ' i don't care what you think, my nan thinks i'm fab.
in retrospect, an ideal choice of tshirt i think.
Agree about the t-shirt - I don't like the idea of that and I always get the feeling that people think I'm using Aspergers as an excuse for bad behaviour - in fact I've stopped explaining because people don't understand and I can't be bothered any more.
Sorry to say I have my first complaint about school. Little Mint got an after school detention in German for not taking part in a speaking exercise. Fair enough - I can cope with that - but when his form teacher realised - she said in a loud sarcastic tone of voice "oh well done - I think the whole class should give Little Mint a round of applause for getting what he wanted" (because another boy told her that he had said he wanted an after school detention).
Little Mint felt humiliated and extremely upset and I'm left with the task of trying to persuade him to go back into the classroom on Monday morning!
Is it just me being an overprotective mother or was that nasty? I teach some teenagers with terrible behaviour problems but I would never, ever, ridicule them in front of their peers.
How can I persuade Little Mint that everything will be okay and that he should just go back to the classroom?
I did go and speak to head of house about it and he said he would have a word with the teacher but in the meantime Little Mint is still feeling devastated.
The teacher also went on about if one of her kids got a detention they'd be grounded.
Errrrr, how do you ground a kid who's self esteem is so low, he won't go anywhere without you?
Sorry Minty - only just noticed this.
I think that folks often understand (or think they understand) the broad idea of ASD without necessarily grasping the minutae (sp) of the facets of their behaviour, and how they react to the behaviour of others. I think that the teacher was probably doing what many teachers do (ie using sarcasm as a blunt instrument) without fully understanding the impact it would have. An NT kid would probably forget about it in a short space of time, whereas it cuts a lot deeper and longer with somone with ASD.
I think its probably worth explaining, at an appropriate moment, the different appraoch to discipline thats required (ie that allowances have to be made for the different interpretations that ASD kids make, and the fact that the behaviour is more rigid and less easy to modify confrontationally). What I mean is that beating Mrs FR, as a kid, never made any difference to her behaviour, except to condition her to the idea that she would get a daily beating. What changed things was somone trying to find out why she behaved in this or that way. Nine times out of ten it was down to literal interpretation.
On the positive side the fact that Minty Jnr has elicited this reaction from his teacher, without apparently a second thought, indicates just how well he is doing in "fitting in".
Re reading that I'm not sure that was desperately helpful.
He is doing well though. Its the first real incident that there's been. which says a great deal about him, you and the school all (or most) of it positive.
Its a school, he's a kid - stuff is bound to happen. I think its important to regard it as a learning point (right we wont let that happen again) rather than a portent of doom (Oh no here we go again).
Still not sure if that puts it any better - sorry if it doesn't.....
Thanks FR - it was helpful. I've managed to rationalise a bit more now. I think I was viewing the whole situation as 'here we go again', but I've calmed down now. I think I need to be calm and rational in order to help Little Mint to resolve the situation himself. I sent the teacher a very nice non-critical email just letting her know that he was very upset and was feeling wobbly about coming to form. She wasn't actually in yesterday so there wasn't an issue but my hope is that lessons will be learned all round - Little Mint not to say stuff out of bravado to impress his friends and the school to be firm but clear as to what it is they want from him. Let's hope there won't be too many other blips.
He's calmed down a lot. He's gone from wanting to leave the school to only disliking his form teacher, which hopefully will resolve itself (she really is actually very nice).
On a positive note he's been selected for the rugby B team in an away match (his first away match) tomorrow and he gets to miss Maths (which he's not enjoying) - so he's really pleased about that.
I'm not going to let one incident cloud the general positive feeling I have about the school and I've learned a lesson too, which is to keep a closer eye on Little Mint and his homework situation (which is what most of the trouble has been about). I must also remind the school that they promised him an Alphasmart which hasn't yet appeared, as this might make a difference.
Miss Maths
Dont let Mrs FR hear him say that. Mind you she'd be dissapointed that he wasn't enjoying it - she has very strong views on the teaching of maths - most of it unrepeatable.
Word of warning about the rugby thing. Make sure that the Maths teacher knows. I was once picked for the 1st team for my school when I was still in the 5th year. I was supposed to leave a geography lesson to go and play (it was a big game and everyone knew about it). The games teacher hadn't bothered telling the geogrpahy teacher - who wasn't best pleased. He wouldn't let me leave the lesson until the games master came to find me. Gave the GM the biggest loudest b*llocking in front of the whole class then turned to me "Off you go son - best of luck". It was the GM he had a gripe with - not me. I could see that of course - but little Mint might not if the same sort of misunderstanding occurs.
Things have finally calmed down. Phew!
They got worse when his geography teacher threatened another detention if he hadn't done last week's work by yesterday but refused to let him have his book so that he could do it. I'm not quite sure where some teachers get off on that sort of behaviour! Anyway, I went in (again!!!) and said please can he have his book so that he can put right what he's done wrong and avoid another detention. That was that sorted.
He scored a try x 2 (is it tries or trys?) in rugby on Wednesday so that boosted him a bit and he now seems to be back on track and looking forward to half term - as am I.
His maths teacher apparently asked him if he thinks he's in the right group. He's in the top group but I think he's struggling. He's always been very good at maths so it's either this teacher's style of teaching or the fact that the others are so much better than Little Mint. I think he'd benefit from being moved down a set.
Things are much calmer anyway so I'm relieved about that.
Things have finally calmed down. Phew!
They got worse when his geography teacher threatened another detention if he hadn't done last week's work by yesterday but refused to let him have his book so that he could do it. I'm not quite sure where some teachers get off on that sort of behaviour! Anyway, I went in (again!!!) and said please can he have his book so that he can put right what he's done wrong and avoid another detention. That was that sorted.
He scored a try x 2 (is it tries or trys?) in rugby on Wednesday so that boosted him a bit and he now seems to be back on track and looking forward to half term - as am I.
His maths teacher apparently asked him if he thinks he's in the right group. He's in the top group but I think he's struggling. He's always been very good at maths so it's either this teacher's style of teaching or the fact that the others are so much better than Little Mint. I think he'd benefit from being moved down a set.
Things are much calmer anyway so I'm relieved about that.
Booing for Arctic Lady
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/7405320.stm
found this article today. most of you will be nodding and mmming whilst reading it!
mini has her psych appointment next week. will wait to see what happens. finished her latest block of speech therapy today - really pleased with how she went. she made a glittery picture for her therapist Leanne as well.
hope everyone is coping well.
I have read this thread from start to finish with great interest. great support ((((Mrs Minty))))
I have friends, who live in the SW of France, they adopted 2 children (siblings) about 6 years prior to moving out there. The ages at adoption were 7and 8, they have been out in France for 5 years.
The problems of moving, new,schools, new ways of life, a new language, new friends, etc all have been taken in their stride. The children currently go to a boarding school as day boarders.
Since Christmas, they have been having problems with the eldest, she is now 14, and is being disruptive.
She has always been a studious child, looks a lot, does not say much.
When I say disruptive, it is like a switch is flicked, and she takes on a whole new persona. New voice, new facial look, eyes are like slits, she swears, punches. kicks, bites. runs off, and will not be around her mum and dad,
She calls her mum, and only her mum lots of names, and i mean really bad names (the swear filter will not allow), when restrained to stop her kicking, turns to biting, and invariably draws blood. when it is over she often sleeps a lot, and says she does not remember, although in a fit of anger recently she admitted she knew exactly what she was doing, and was trying to destroy her mum.
My friends have been told after lots of consultations, and meetings that hospitalisation is the only method of treatment left, and soon for her sake.
I went away with them for 2 weeks recently, post FLM, and you tread on egg shells all the time. We flew out to the USA, and the seating pattern was such that Mum was sat with her for the flight out. Dad was taken ill, and mum moved to be aside dad, - wrong move! she kicked off, Mid Atlantic 37000 ft.
Dad was hospitalised for 4 days, doctors think he had a minor stroke, but was well enough to rest away from the hospital, and get out and about, with no strenuous activities! The roller coaster was out!
It happened every day, if mum gave dad too much attention, she would have a fit, no matter where, or when.
It is a real pity, as she is a very bright girl, and has a lot going for her, when in the right mood.
hope everyone else is ok.