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Crap at relationships
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But...although the olds have not exactly voiced that they are disappointed, i know they find it difficult that I haven't yet given them a grandchild. Both them and me know its becoming less and less likely that it will happen...my mother finds this esp difficult. Don't think I mind so much but dread getting to my 40s-50s and having regret.
Just like Merrylegs, it's not voiced, or made explicit (though there was a quality moment last weekend; Mum asked, "Do you you find it hard that all your friends now have children?" - I declined to answer)
p.s. whether i've have kids or not remains to be seen, but I don't think my Dad gives a toss; sadly his new life doesn't allow for a lot of time for his existing grandchildren, far less any new ones..... How sad.
I find that very sad Lee. Not in a feel sorry for you kind of way as that's not what you're about but in a wanting to give your dad a huge shake and make him realise what's slipping away from him kind of way.
Red wine is good Lee. It makes you tell the truth.
You seem to be able to do it in a much more articulate way than I can after a few glasses though!
I agree with you about parents sometimes being the disappointing ones. When we're both drunk and not on a forum I might tell you about mine! My mum once declared I was the "the biggest disappointment in the world" and regularly told me I was the "worst daughter she could have".
I never brought the police home, never took drugs, never smoked, slept around and I was a straight A student so this sounded a bit odd, even coming from her.
What I now think she meant was "You are not the emotional crutch I need to lean on and you don't make a very good cat to kick"....
I still don't.
My relationship with my parents is deteriorating daily. My grandmother also no longer speaks to me and my brother doesn't speak to anyone because its easier to stay away from everyone and I understand that. The absolute truth is that THEY are crap at relationships, not me. I have a wonderful marriage and great kids. I just can't do the parent thing. I can be a friend too.
Relationships isn't just your search for a soul mate. Its everybody you have in your life.
Don't ever let anybody impose their view of who you should be on you. Its not a race and we're not all treading the same path. God - how BORING would that be?
I think parents do make a difference to how you deal with relationships - I was never treated as a dissappointment as such but my mother played me and my brother off against each other - all I ever heard was how funny and confident and good looking he was (in fact my mother I know considered herself to be ugly and never failed to point out how much I look like her. now I know I am not a model its teh level of importance that was put on it) - all he ever heard was how clever and bright his sister was - neither of us was told the good stuff about ourselves. I was not close to my mother and my dad we suspect was somewhere on the aspergers spectrum (he really wasn't right) but not diagnosed so neither he or us was treated. They are both dead now and I have a odd relationship with my briother we have to be in touch at the moment and can spend a night out talking quite happily but we are not close and never will be we just don't see the point in adding stress. But essentially my formative relationships were not quite normal.
My brother had a child with someone who turned out to be a psycho. I spotted that no one else did until it was too late.
One of my problems with relationships is I can be very empathic and it means I can feel when people are faking or upset and soak it it, often when others can't and it makes you a bit cautious.
But I am in my 40s and in a postion to change that and have been doing for a while now - it takes time but I am getting there
I'm definitely more critical of my son - but I can't help feeling that's because he deserves it !
Lee - I would try not to judge your dad. I don't know him obviously but who knows what he really thinks - he might seem like he doesn't care as much about his grandkids etc since your mum died but is it possible he doesn't want to seem to be an interfering grandparent ? Like TP says maybe give him a shake by telling him how you feel - you might find he feels the same - sometimes it's just down to communication isn't it - not always easy to be open with your feelings even with closest family. As always I could be talking rubbish!
My parents both have serious issues. They are not what you could call "normal" in any way and both drag me into their unbelievably destructive relationship which in turn affects my own state of mental health.
So I pull back from them to protect myself and my family and they accuse me of being "cold and unfeeling".
Well, you're hard to love guys and that's not my fault.
All relationships are unbelievably complicated. HUMANS are complicated.
Figuring that out means you've got a lot farther than many people ever do.
Hmm. Like Popsider said, I dont know the people at all, and could be talking rubbish, but as someone who remarried when my first wife died, I felt the need to move on. At first, simple things like moving house and town, changing the social circle. Not that i didn't like those friends any more, but didn't want forever to play the role of someone with an obvious "empty space" standing beside me. I don't care any less about my children, but the relationship is less intense, less frequent, necessarily different in character.
Nam, yes, I think fathers are often more critical than mothers of their sons. (Though I have no evidence).
We are all, to a huge extent at first, shaped by our parents and the patterns they teach us. Boys are often taught, one way or another, to suppress their feelings, to be "rational"
mm -interesting stuff about parents. I found that most middle class folk I worked with had to somehow always "perform" like demented seals and then would never quite be good enough for their parents. All about appearance, school and career. Anyone gets close to the carrot they move it again. Yip -feelings were 90% of the time deemed as "undesirable" with them and with my backround. I was 25 before I realised to feel was not a sign of madness. It was great to realise that I was not "mad" just human and have feelings.
I was never good enough if I didn't fight and stick up for myself and because I chose a path that was not "steady job on railway or Royces".
I love my feelings now and like the feeling of rebelliousness that comes with showing them (and reactions of those who struggle btw
)
*breathes deeply*
The ability to have an honest and open chat with your parents with no play-acting or attitude-striking on either side is a level of functioning many people never reach
and yeah totally relevant to this thread because that then affects how you are with potential partners
- I find it difficult to talk to my dad even now Mike . Wish I could see behind the persona.
My early relationships with women echoed stuff that rubbed off from my dad. To him women were "kids" and like all kids needed to be "controlled". His 3rd wife aint full bag of sugar and is OK with that so they get on well. I mixed with more intelligent, independent women, so was crap at relationships at one point.
They f**k you up your Mum and Dad ........
We've all got issues with our parents. Some have a harder time than others (and some of you have hard horrid times) but at some point, we all have to take responsibility for ourselves and let it go. We can't change them. We just have to find a way of managing the relationship.
Absolutely true.
The relevance of parents to me is that I have watched mine endure in a very unhappy marriage for the last 21 years - my father is bitter and twisted, which is very very sad. My mother said once ' cant you just lower your level of expectations, no-one has an ideal marriage'. Yet my dad said the opposite -i.e. lots of people are unhappily in marriages/long term relationships, its about their tolerance level of whats acceptable and 'what they will put up with'.
Lea, good post last night and I'm with you on this - " I can live a good life on my own; I hope I don't have to, but I won't stop living if I can't find someone to share things with
"
Afternoon folks
Mike/Popsider, you are right to say that I shouldn't give my Dad a hard time, and to be honest I don't really. We did have a big blowout quite a while ago now, and I told him how I felt and so did he, but nothing much changed, and I know that if I brought it up again, it wouldn't make a difference. i know that sounds defeatist, but I know what he's like.
No matter what, i just can't understand why having a new wife means you just lose interest in your family. I don't see my sister and I being any less of a family to him just because my Mum isn't here. He see's his wife's kids much more oftern than he sees us, just because she invites them round more, and will babysit for her grandchildren, but isn't so interested in Dad's grandchildren. There is an element of distance there (well, not with me, just my sister; i'm only an hour away), so it would never be equal, but it still grates. My nieces are really disappointed too which is heartbreaking. We don't have a big family, so to me, we should stick together even more. I'm visiting family (Mum's side) later in the month, and I can't wait. Dad has lost interest in them now, and they think it is hellish too. It used to really upset me I have to say. I still miss my Mum of course, always will, but moving on from someone's death doesn't have to mean leaving everything behind. I've just settled into apathy now, which is pretty sad I know, but I just thought to myself, why get all upset and bothered and feel miserable when he doesn't? I'd rather be happy and spend time with folk who do care, so that's what i'm doing
You've some good mates on this forum Lee - use them.
One person who posts on here regularly helped me deal with stuff last year when a parent died and a potential fantastic relationship went wrong and fucked up my head for a while.
Good luck
Nothing wrong with standing up for yourself Lea. It goes back to the modifying your behaviour to please others thing we discussed previously. Shouldn't have to do it. Be yourself.
'Fraid I'm another on who doesn't understand why the death of a partner and the would make the relationship with your children any less important or intense, I would have thought this would have made the parent/child bond more strong as they only have one parent left.
If the subsequent remarriage made this relationship less important or relevant are you then not just saying that you now value your new relationship above anything you ever had or any offspring from your old one? I'm not suggesting anyone live completely in the past but to shrug the past off as the past and suggest that the future is unrelated to that doesn't seem to stack up for me.
Maybe I'm oversimplifying this or maybe it's because I have no children and my mother hasn't remarried that I don't get this ... but I really don't. If it were me as the child then I'd find it incredibly hurtful.
You didn't grow up in Derby did you ?
Half the people I know seem to work for Royces - I've managed to avoid that having no scientific/technical leanings - did work for the railway for a couple of years though.
Just reading back the last page - is Stu Hoose ? Am I the only person on this forum that didn't know that ?
In which case it'd be the car maker Rolls Royce not the aero engines.
...apologies if you aren't Hoose Stu - not that there's anything wrong with being Hoose but you know what I mean...!