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I'm worried about my friend
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okay: I used to be a necrophiliac, but...
Nigel Farage has heard that pensioners are costing the country a fortune in benefits and healthcare.
His new policy is to have them all sent back to Pensionia where they belong.
It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.
One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I really don't like Russian dolls....they're so full of themselves.
^^
now that did make me laugh Pudge.
One of my mates had his collection of vintage Wenslydale stolen.
He was really cheesed off about it.
Tragedy strikes when a man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry and then a yellow lorry.
Policeman informs family, "There's no easy way to say this..."
One of those lorries had sponge in it, another jelly and the other custard, same police said traffic would be a trifle delayed
I was in a pub in Brighton, sat up by the bar. Every time the landlord went past he asked if he could push my stool in.
The best jokes that I've heard recently are:
1. It's in the post.
2. Britain's Got Talent.
3. Sweatshop - We Know Running.
I decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust
It said "Guess" on her T-shirt.
"Thyroid?", I asked her.
What's the difference between the Lib Dems & a minibus?
A mini bus has more than 8 seats.
What do Ed Miliband and Kate Middleton have in common?
Neither of them are in Labour anymore.
Bloody hell Cameron has only been in power 5 minutes and the unemployment rate has already gone up by 3.
Badoom tsh!
Why did the man get 500 pairs of contact lenses for Christmas?
Because the knight has a thousand eyes.
My dog is too clever for his own own good.
He's a cocky spaniel.
Woman lost in New Zealand wilderness survives by drinking own breast milk.
Beat that, Bear Grylls.
Teacher: "Where is your pencil?"
Boy: " I aint got no pencil."
Teacher "I think that you mean I haven't got a pencil. Where's your grammar?"
Boy: "She's at home with me grandad."
Where does the policeman live?
999 Letsbe Avenue.
I dont always get an erection at Burger King, but when i do its a whopper