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I'm worried about my friend
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I asked the man in the music shop if I could see their littlest oboe and he said, "Maybe tomorrow."
I went for a job interview on Friday and was asked to describe myself in three words.
"Violent when disappointed," I replied.
I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.
Schroedinger's cat walks in to a bar, and doesn't.
You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave and then enter your pin number.
Have you heard about the new drugs craze in Barnsley? The local youths are injecting ecstacy in between their teeth.
It's called taking E by gum.
If you're not a believer in human perseverance you clearly haven't seen a smoker trying to use a broken lighter.
The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
The most middle class joke ever.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom!
The inventor of dog treats died earlier this week.
He was a good boy. Yes he was.
I've bought some of those Viagra eye drops. They make you look hard.
11.34: Arrived at crime scene
11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.34: Found murder weapon in drain
11.34: Realised watch was broken
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
Confucious, he say "Man who take laxatives and sleeping pills on same night will wake up in deep sh*t."
I looked out my window and saw a guy in a black robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe. So I thought I'd go and help.
"Stop," said my wife, grabbing my arm. "You're de-icing with death."
"What do we want?"
"Race car noises!"
"When do we want them?"
"Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwww"
Confucius, he say "Man with hole in trouser pocket will be feeling cocky all day long."
Thanks to Volkswagen, I'm now even starting to doubt if Herbie was a true story.
Have you been mis-sold TDi?
What do you get if you cross a duck and flatulence?
Donald Trump
Supermarkets to charge 5p for plastic bags. Waitrose to charge 12p for free range, organic 'sac plastique'.
What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe
I took a photo of a mouse today.
He didn't say 'cheese', but I could tell he was thinking it.
Burglars have stolen 47 rare watches from the home of influential businessman Sir John Ritblat.
When asked by police what time the offence was committed, Sir John replied, "Fuck off."
I got a Jehovah's Witness themed advent calendar for Christmas.
I won't be opening any of the doors.