Things you want to say but can't



  • Your constant attempts at humour and sarcasm are nothing but an embarrassment. Your misogyny, homophobia and racism illustrate your many, deeply held  irrational fears. Stop reading the Daily Express, it is not a newspaper. You are permitted access into my home because of your relationship with my husband and only because of that. Oh and I I did not 'catch' him, he chased me.

    Finally, if you tell me off for swearing in my own home once more, I may well lose my legndary patience and tell you all this. So far I have resisted doing so because I do not wish to cause my husband any distress.

  • Dear colleague

    I very much appreciate your assistance whilst our department is short-staffed.  However, reguargitating your food is not normal and throwing up into a mug whilst sitting at a desk is not healthy.

    Would you please go and see a doctor as you're making me feel quite ill on a daily basis, which given that I'm currently experiencing the ongoing joys of pregnancy-related sickness I could do without.
  • Drivers - get your indicators fixed, otherwise pedestrians crossing side roads may get run over when you unexpectedly turn across the front of them.

    Cyclists - get off the pavements, especially when you're cycling beside roads which have cycle paths!

  • katieJane, that made me feel sick just reading about it. Shouldn't you say something to your / their manager? It's beyond disgusting.
  • The end of my willy gets ever so chilly when I run in winter - just the end bitimage

    I'm always nice and toasty everywhere elseimage

    Not a rant but something I never thought I'd be able to sayimage


  • JWrunJWrun ✭✭✭
    have to agree with TB there KJ, that is not on at all!!!
  • JWrunJWrun ✭✭✭
    To the oldish (probably early 60s) women in the changing room - the last thing I was to see after a session in the gym and particularly first thing in the morning is you talcing your twinkle. I applaude your body confidence but really no one else needs to see it - at least turn away from everyone else love - Bleurgh!
  • "Your call is important to us, so please hang on until one of our operators is free" - grrrr!
  • Devoted2Distance wrote (see)

    Dear 'unexpected item in the bagging area' lady,

    There is nothing IN the bagging area aside from the items I have already, legally, scanned.

    I know what you mean!  I always get "The system could not verify your bags"
  • JWrun wrote (see)
    To the oldish (probably early 60s) women in the changing room - the last thing I was to see after a session in the gym and particularly first thing in the morning is you talcing your twinkle.
    HAHAHAHAHA... some of these are really good but this one had to be the best!!! image
  • Dear local constabulary

    Please learn to read the f*cking street name, you know those two that you passed to get to our house, before knocking on our door at 1.00 in the morning... Our house is not number oofer of That Street... It's number herhum of This Road and Carl doesn't live here.  FFS!!! 

    Thank you

    Bleary Eyed Sleepy Head

  • Dear Person in My Personal Space in the queue

    Your breathing and sighing on the back of my neck will not make the queue any faster or shorter but is in fact bringing you much closer to a handbag/crotch interface.

     Thank you kindly

  • Ditto to the shopping basket in the back of my knees Furry ...
  • I love "handbag/crotch interface"!  I usually keep my foot sticking out behind me to ward off those back- of-my-neck breathers.
  • Good idea Vicky and perhaps a nice big calf stretch behind you would keep them at bay too. image 
  • Or a nice big yawn and stretching of the arms!  image
    • I know your unsure what your talking about and out of your depth regarding this issue but please can you get to the f*cking point! I’m a very busy man and you’re boring me.
    • I don’t care about person X I’m more interested in sorting out this issue.
    • Just because you’re a lady doesn’t mean you can get away with being rude.
    • Just because you disagree with me doesn’t mean you can be rude and condescending. I’ve actually done this and talking from experience while you’ve not had the guts to.
    • I’ve seen your mum naked and she liked it.
    • You’re a lovely person with friends who care about you and can help you if you let them. Even if you want to lie to everybody else stop lying to your self. Stop being afraid of living your life properly, start to get on with it, instead of pretending your having fun and escaping from your problems by doing stupid things. Till you start loving yourself you’re never going to be able to with any satisfaction to love anyone else or form any meaningful relationship.  
    • You’ve new girlfriend while a looker isn’t good for you, has no real chemistry with you and is as interesting as a glass of water. Please say this is a phase your going through or your going to end up heading for a fall.
    • I’ve done a lot more mischief than you in my time and can spot a wantabe, Stop trying to be a player you’re not very good at it.
     That felt good.image
  • That is a baby buggy, not a battering ram.  Please mind where you're pushing it when the street or shop is busy as I quite like the skin on the back of my ankles image
  • Those big coloured boxes with bikes painted in them at traffic lights? They are for cyclists, not for you to edge into to get a head start when the lights change.

    Equally, those nicely coloured lanes on the left hand side of the road with the bikes painted on them? They too are for cyclists. Not for you to edge into to try and get past the car turning right. 

    And Mr 7ft-tall-My-Neck-is-Bigger-than-my-Head who walks his Saffordshire Bull Terrier along the alleyways behind my house, you are committing a criminal offence by allowing your dog to sh!t here. Every single day. Children play in these alleys. I cycle them and have indeed crashed whilst trying to avoid one of your dog's deposits. I caught you in the act once, luckily while walking my, much bigger, dog. I offered you a poop bag, which, to be fair, you used. How hard can it be to come out, prepared?!

  • Hello, mr xxxxxxx tanker driver company transport manager? Could you please let the arsehole driving one of your tankers down the **** that if he drives straight on to a roundabout that I am navigating causing me to brake sharply then tries to ram me off the road because I need to get round him to take the required exit ever again, that I will stop him, remove him from his elegantly decorated cab and rip his f**king throat out !!!

  • Just because I am female does not mean I wish to coo over or hold your baby. Actually I would like to get as far away from it as possible. And no, it won't be me next. Thank you.
  • (When pregnant - not now thank god)

    If you touch my bump I shall see this as an invitation to tickle your balls.....

  • MuttleyMuttley ✭✭✭
    Excuse me sweetheart, but this is a cycle path. There is a painted picture of a bicycle just ahead of you to prove it. That thing alongside us, with a painted symbol of a person walking, is a footpath. You are a pedestrian, so you should be over there. I am a cyclist, so I am supposed to be over here. I think you are being quite cretinous by a) walking along a clearly-defined cycle path and b) twiddling with your mobile phone while doing so, and being totally oblivious to your surroundings. So don't get abusive with me when I stop right in front of you and startle you. And no, you moron, I was not going too fast. If I was going too fast I wouldn't have stopped in time and would have gone straight into your stupid fat face.
  • 'Have a nice day' my arse - I woke up feeling grouchy and that's the way I intend to go to bed, so you can stick your meaningless customer speak up your jacksie...

  • image

    Greeting from across the pond. Anyone would think I were an Evertonian.image
  • various 'customer service' 'help-lines' when you have rung to complain:-

    'was there anything else I can help you with today' and while you are saying 'no' talk over you saying ' thank you for calling British Gas today' image to which I would love to say ' FFS I did not WANT TO RING TODAY, I HAD NO F****** CHOICE BECAUSE OF YOUR LOUSY SERVICE!image

  • LJB1 - tell them about your imaginary haemorrhoids and ask them if they can recommend a cream because you find THEM a pain in the arse too!image
  • Every right has a responsibility?. Face up  to your responsibilities or shut up about your flipping rights!
  • Dear cat loving work mate
    I hate cats
    I don't want talk about your cat
    or see photos or talk about the cost of vet bills
    or decide if you should get a kitten to keep tiddles company
    Nor do I wish to pass judgement on women who put cats in wheelie bins
    I don't care that you found a lump on your cats neck
    I don't know if its cancer I hope it isn't coz you would never shut up ifit was
    Please understand I hatecats
    I hate you
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