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Things you want to say but can't
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Ah thanks Parklife, I'm glad it's not just me! I was so stressed by the time I got up to Newcastle to do the GNR I ran the 13 miles so quickly I was in the pub by half 12!! (and I won't go an about the journey back...it was even worse!!)
K - tempting, very tempting. We've got a team 'away-day' next week (oh the horror) and I'll find a way to drop it into conversation.
I was there too, Ravers. I reckon it will be quicker to run back to Newcastle rather than deal with the public transport out of South Shields.
In fact, I may just copyright that, The Great North Marathon
No, I'm not refusing to do that, it's not my job and I don't know how to do that. As you may have noticed, I'm already doing 3 other high priority things so please don't speak to me like that.
And, sulking is what a 3 year old does.
Cheers, and happy friday
Dear collegue A, the fact you have a problem working with everyone, everything which goes wrong is always somebody else's fault and nothing is done to your satisfaction says a lot more about you than it does the rest of the team. You are technically excellent but you have the interpersonal skills and charm of a turnip. You are sexist, boring and I loathe the way you talk down to everyone who isn't as brilliant as you think you are. Every story you tell has more tangents than a bad maths lesson so we all loose the plot, point and the will to live by the end of them. The day I get rid of you will be one of the happiest of my life, I suspect it won't be long in coming
Dear colleague B, please do not flounce and shout like a petulant small child who's not got their own way when something goes wrong. You are a senior member of staff, just sort it out.
Dear colleague C, please HTFU
I shall be submitting an expense claim for the bottle of wine I am consuming in an attempt to wash you all out of my head and not let you spoil my weekend.
In a slightly different tangent.
Dear Office Supervisor, thanks for your support and back up while I've been covering for a colleague's holiday.
Cake, i'm doing the 'treat them mean, keep them keen' strategy
*rifles about for the kit...*
Dear person at church
Your son is gay. He knows it, we all know it and only you don't know it. Deep down you may actually know it yourselves but you keep trying to find him a wife and its weird.
He thinks you will reject him and as such feels very bad about keeping a secret from you.
Its not my place to tell you but I feel sad about it. If my child were gay I would not only want to know, I would want to hug them and say I love you to bits.
Dear car driver,
When I am training for a marathon, and am most of the way through a long run, and there is a pavement full of pensioners and pushchairs, yes, I do consider it appropriate to run down the centre of the street.
Dear local Labour party
I have just made a really lovely pan of soup. Would you like to take the credit for it?
Dear Highways Agency van driver who pulled out without signalling from under a bridge on the A38 this afternoon.
You twat.
Love, a passanger in the car you nearly drove straight into.
and this one was said by someone on another place, but I wish I'd said it..no names to protect the innocent.
You vacuous attention seeking bint.
Dear fat bastard on the table next to me during lunch..
I really don't want to hear you slurping your drink, seeing your food being mashed up in your mouth or hearing you try to talk while chewing at the same time. Its bad manners and basically disgusting...
If you ate less and perhaps more healthly then you might find that the buttons on your shirt might actually do up around your huge stomach.... one day, you will be a burdon on the NHS and the poor paramedics who will need to carry you on a stretcher after you collapse having a heart attack.
Oh... and I don't think it was really necessary to finish off your colleagues left over lunch... your portion was more than adequate....
You disgust me...
Dear Marks and Spencer telephone person:
If you ring me up on my home phone number and ask to speak to 'Mr Crash Hamster', proceeding to ask me my full name and home phone number aren't really security questions, now are they?
In a similar vein...
To the fat bastard colleague at work.
Don't criticise me for carrying three tuperware boxes into the canteen until you have seen what is in them. My slice of bread, salad and roast chicken is a much more balanced diet than your two BLT sandwiches, packet of crisps, chocolate bar and full fat coke.
And on another similar theme
Don't phone my home number, ask to speak to Mr Hash, then when I tell you he's not available but I'm Mrs Hash tell me that you can't speak to me as I'm not the account holder of the phone you're cold calling me on.
Dear sexy MILF who I met yesterday...
Its an absolute shame that you are married. There was definitely some chemistry between us and in a different life I would love to have the opportunity of taking you out, getting to know you properly and spending the rest of our lives together...
I wish I could tell you this, but I can't. It would be wrong and unfair and just create so many emotional problems . But... you certainly made an impact on me and I think you may have noticed the chemistry too.
I hope we can meet again..... but its probably best that we don't.
Dear Young Lady,
I apologise for the misunderstanding you when you said "don't you think you ought to get your head down"
Yours sincerely
no22334455 HM Prison Walton
Dear PT,
I don't want a beach belly. I do core work to improve on my posture and stability so that I don't get injured when running and so that I run faster. Please don't mistake me for a gym bunny who only wants to look good in a bikini. I don't wear a bikini - I'm a proper swimmer who wears a swim suit that is designed to swim in.
Actually, I probably could say that if only I could catch my breath for long enough to get the words out.
Dear PT
How does it feel that I can run further than you in a gym challenge?
Dear preggers woman on the train this morning...
Your very loud and extremely graphic discription of your morning sickness events really did nothing for me whilst I was trying to eat my muesli...
Dear Fellow Train Passenger,
Why on earth are you eating your meusli on the train? Don't you think it would be better to get up five minutes earlier and enjoy it in peace and quiet?
Dear BBC political editor,
While it’s exciting that you two wanted to know the breakdown of the leadership votes for the Labour party why the hell did you have to talk over the chairlady while she was actually announcing the vote’s %. Only reason I tuned in to find out who got what. I missed the whole second round and most of the third. You didn’t even show the % across the bottom of the scream you knob instead just talked over her going blar blar blar blar. We don’t know what’s happening next, thats right and why we are all watching you moron!Dear Wilkie.
You made a spelling error.
Wear this
That give way sign you blatantly ignored was meant for you. Gesticulating at me for driving along my right of way really isn't big or clever. I hope the children in your car have better manners.