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Things you want to say but can't
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Dear Tate Modern
ok I give in I still dont get it
I came and had a good look round your gallery very impressed its free, the food and coffee in restaurants is great too.
Some of the stuff ....sorry exhibits were great Francis Bacon and Henry Moore, Dali etc
But really you paid money for the rest of it ????
Exhibit A, M'Lud
Dear colleague from an associate company,
I am sorry that we didn't have food at the meeting to suit your seemingly extensive dietary requirements (known in my book as fussy eating). If you had told the co-ordinator at your company that you were vegetarian I would certainly have got the caterers to accommodate this - that is why there was a box to tick for this on the form. If you don't tick it, how am I supposed to know, I am not psychic.
However, I did not put on tick boxes for those who can't eat chocolate, muffins, cookies, bread, normal tea and ...sorry, I gave up listening at that point. Next time it is our time to host I shall bring you a potato, I don't think they were mentioned.
I know you will now sulk for the next few times we have to deal with each other .... or until you need my lot to do you a favour when you will suddenly become my best friend again.
Thank you
When the ignorant cyclst and two couriers deliberately moved in front of you at the lights, I was so hoping you'd leave them for dead. And you did.
Sir, you are a fat hairy middle-aged man who has probably not seen his cock without a mirror for the past 15 years.
So why do you insist on standing in front of the mirror at the gym using a hairdryer to dry your extensive pubic and body hair?
Do you think it's big? Or clever?
It's not and it isn't.
Use a towel like everyone else.
Nothing at all to see here, just keep walking.
Dear Driver if you intentionally turm your wheel in to stop me riding up between the two lanes of traffic of course Im going to hit at least one of the following multiple choice options:
A: Wing mirror
B: Door
C: Your nose
Please dont take this personally but due to the prevalence of inconsiderate drivers its something we riders do instictivly.
Folks, if you work in an office that is quite big, there's a chance you will have to use a lift (or elevator if you're American). Here are some simple rules that will make travelling in a lift less frustrating for your colleagues:
1. Don't press the buttons unless you actually want to get into the lift to go up and down. Or did you press the button because you like to see it light up all sparkly?
2. If you want to go up (up, above your head, higher, not down) don't get in a lift that is going down. Standing there, looking at the buttons with everyone in their coats, tutting at 5:15 should be a clue. This is lift descending. You need a lift that is going up, like a birdie. Or take the stairs, the exercise would do you good.
Oh and London Transport - is the circle line some sort of voluntary service or was it just a stroppy teenage this evening? I daren't write what I think of the DLR.
I am glad to say after 36 years of working in London, City to be precise I've escaped - now got a local job, and taking into account I don't have to pay National Express a 2nd mortgage I'm no worse off, in fact better off as hardly any traveling, more time for training or housework, yeah training
Sorry I know this isn't a rant, but had to put it somewhere its been a long wait for the offer.
heating / boiler - what's wrong with you? I can't figure it out and don't want to phone the letting agents.
It’s so easy to get my hands on a gun here; all I have to do is have a few words with a friend and I can be armed with a rather nice Smith and Wesson .357 Model 66. I’ve tried it at the range, it has a good action but one heck of a recoil - still I reckon I can get a double headshot in before you even realise I’m in your room.
Let me tell you how it will go then smiler. Two ounces of soft lead hollow point will be projected by the propellant at a muzzle velocity of about 900 feet per second, they will enter your skull through the thin layer of skin just under your hairline and push through the bone, into the cranial cavity turning your frontal lobes to mush and then they’ll continue on their journey creating a shockwave of immense destructive capability through the rest of your brain turning it into pink jello; the kinetic energy of the hollow point is designed to resonate and eventually after every atom of what once was you has been rearranged, the bullets will exit your cranium in an exit wound up to five times the size of the entrance wound and you’ll be carried out by this energy wave and spattered all over the rather nice poster of Penelope Cruz you have in your room.
You’ll probably feel nothing unfortunately, except perhaps mild shock and be dead before you hit the floor - and then I’ll stand over you and turn your stupid blank face towards me as the blood spurts from your still beating heart - my angry visage will be the last thing you’ll see; and on your journey to oblivion my taunting voice will be the last thing you might hear...
‘That was MY freaking cherry yoghurt you nicked you greedy mo’fucker...and it was the last one!’
Is it safe to say "It's only a yogurt?"
PS: Thank God we don't have guns like they do in the US
Dear Boss.
It's nice we generally get on so well, but you picking the odd blonde hair off my shoulders when I wear black is a bit weird. It kind of reminds me of my mother...
For Corrie.
Who got his cherry nicked by a boy,,,,
And an American one to boot!
On a similar note.... when I answer the phone with my name and team name, dont ask me "Hooozatt??!" because I fecking well have just told you.
Also don't ask me "Issat Dave??!" because I just told you my name and it wasn't Dave!!
Have you been running about with LB again??? Poor Calfie....
*shakes head in disapproving manner*
Dear Energy Companies,
why do you require that I type in my account number, then as soon as someone actually answers the phone, they ask me for my account number again, which I typed in some time before? Is it because your staff take so long to answer any call, that you expect I got bored and handed the phone to a random person, with a different account number? Oh, and why do you charge so much you thieving b*******?
Dis-Regards,
Pea
Dearest Pea...
I may be getting on a bit but I still have hair of my own to shed and as yet have not had to resort to stealing LBs...