What's the worst joke that you've ever heard?

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  • Why do women have smaller feet than men?

    So they can get near the kitchen sink.

    What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?

    Tell the bitch to pull herself together.

  • A man goes in to hospital for gender reassignment surgery. The operation is carried out in 3 stages.

    Stage 1: Create breasts.

    Stage 2: Remove male sexual organ and replace with vagina.

    Stage 3: Make gob twice the size and remove half the brain. image

  • Private Smith is marching around the parade ground with the other new recruits, when news comes of his mother's untimely demise:



    Up steps the Sergeant Major, "Left, Right, Left, Right, Halt, Private Smith, one step forward....your mother is dead!"



    Well, the shock and the brutal delivery of the news is just too much for the hapless recruit, and he collapses on the spot. He's carted away to the hospital and after a long period of care and councilling he is restored to the parade ground.



    As is the case in such tales, news comes to the camp that Private Smiths father had passed away. Again the Sgt Major is tasked with breaking the news. However mindful of the disaster of last time, the Sgt Major is advised by the camp psychiatrist to break the news in a more gentle and compassionate way:



    So the recruits are on parade and up steps the Sgt Major, "Left, Right, Left, Right, Halt. All those with fathers one step forward.....Private Smith just where do you think YOU'RE going!"
  • She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

    As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

    My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

    Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all ... right there on the kitchen table.

    Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

    A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

    She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

  • What's Beethoven's favourite fruit?

     

     

    Ba-Na-Na-Naaaaaaa!

  • sarah the bookworm wrote (see)

    She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

    As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

    My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

    Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all ... right there on the kitchen table.

    Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

    A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

    She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'


    Does she like them hard?

     

  • Run Wales wrote (see)
    sarah the bookworm wrote (see)
    She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

    As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

    My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

    Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all ... right there on the kitchen table.

    Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

    A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

    She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'


    Does she like them hard?

     

    She likes soldiers dipping in her.

  • Prince William & Kate Middleton expecting a baby. The news comes  2 weeks since John Terry visited Buckingham Palace

    .... and so the baby jokes begin

  • Wife and I were depressed, suicidal even and went to Beachy Head with our pact made and letter written. She jumped first and suddenly I felt a bit better. I thought "Stuff it! Maybe better to soldier on!"

  • What do you do if you see an elephant coming?

    Swim for your life! image

  • To commemorate the the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing Collector's Editions of two small jugs.

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    7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

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    A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

  • For Christmas, the wife has asked me for something sleek, shiny and goes from nought to 180 in under 5 seconds. I've bought her a set of bathroom scales.

  • what hides in the bakery?

    mince spy

  • **** HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN ****

    Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket according to lights and darks.
    Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
    If you see boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
    Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.
    Get in the shower.
    Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
    Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
    Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.
    Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint.
    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
    Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
    Rinse conditioner off hair.
    Shave armpits and legs.
    Turn off shower.
    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
    Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.
    Get out of shower.
    Dry with towel the size of a small country.
    Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.
    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.
    If you see your boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    *** HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN ***
    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile on the floor.
    Walk naked to the bathroom.
    If you see your girlfriend along the way, shake willy at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
    Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
    Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
    Get in the shower.
    Wash your face.
    Wash your armpits.
    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
    Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
    Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
    Wash your hair.
    Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
    Wee.
    Rinse off and get out of shower.
    Partially dry off.
    Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
    Admire willy size in mirror again.
    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
    If you pass the girlfriend, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
    Throw wet towel on bed

  • Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?

    Tequila!!!

  • How can you tell the difference between Weasels and Stoats?

    Weasels are weasely recognisable and stoats are stoatally different.

  • AliBear30 wrote (see)

    How can you tell the difference between Weasels and Stoats?

    Weasels are weasely recognisable and stoats are stoatally different.

    LOL - love that one!

  • Mitt Romney spent $800m on not becoming president of the USA. I spent 65p and got the same result, except I have a Mars Bar.

  • Why did a bald man draw rabbits on his head?

     

    Because from the distance they looked like hares.

  • what...what....WHAT???!!!!

  • Where does Michael Palin drive his racecar?

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    Around a palindrome.

  • what do want?

    a cure for Tourettes

    when do we want it??

    pissflaps

  • ( chortle)

  • A bloke walks into a drum kit.

    *b-doom-tsh*!

  • Phil - I preferred your 'leak' joke on the other thread, most amusing !

  • I'd better warn you, my dad's gone out and bought the luxury Christmas crackers this year. I'll be stocking up. (Pun intended.)

    image

  • Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

  • I fancied a pizza last night. So I walked into Dominos. But as I went through the door I tripped and knocked over a bloke, who knocked over the bloke next to him, who knocked over the bloke next to him ... who knocked over the bloke next to him ...

  • my girlfriend's a redhead. no hair, just a red head.

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