What's the worst joke that you've ever heard?

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  • I didn't hear a joke about a bear, or anything very offensive.  Just some American talking about sex toys and promoting a store which would give 50% off your order if you gave his name!

    Perhaps I should try again.

  • A man walks into the Butchers Shop, he says to the Butcher "I'll have a pound of Sausages please" Butcher replies "we only do Kilos here". Man replies "well, alright then, I will have a pound of Kilos"

  • A union shop steward reads his daughter a bedtime story. "Once upon a time and time and a half on Saturdays..."

  • Keir wrote (see)

    As told by a 17 year old 6th form student at my school earlier this week:

    "What do you call a donkey with no eyes?

     

    No idea

     

     

    wait, did I get that right?"

     

     

    This Ladies and Gentlemen is the future generation image

    That's the only 'joke' on this thread that actually made me giggle image 

  •  
    Wilkie wrote (see)

    I didn't hear a joke about a bear, or anything very offensive.  Just some American talking about sex toys and promoting a store which would give 50% off your order if you gave his name!

    Perhaps I should try again.

    I wouldn't bother. I'll tell you it some time.

  • what do you do with a dead chemist?

    barium! image

  • I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's     Aboriginal.'

  • This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle         disaster.

  • I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'        

  • I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.        

  • I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'        

  • Why is Santa's sack so full?

    Because he only comes (cums) once a year.

  • Muttley wrote (see)
    MikeFrog wrote (see)

    My favourite joke of the week

    listen to this, not the current episode but episode 34 "11th century porn" at minute 22:48 and it lasts 4 mins. It's very offensive. http://pennsundayschool.com/page/episodes

    Four minutes of my life I will never get back ...

    Totally agree Muttley, might've been funny if it had actualy been offensive.

    Like statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

  • Two men walk in to a bar...

    ...you'd have thought that one of them would have seen it!

  • Why shouldn't you make fun of a dwarf with learning difficulties?

    Because it's not big and it's not clever.

  • The wife and I have just watched 3 dvds back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the telly.

  • A man was arrested for pickpocketing dwarves. How could he stoop so low?

  • I was lying in bed with the wife and I said "You know, you remind me of the lottery".

    She said "Why, do you feel like you've won the jackpot?"

    "No, I wish you'd f***ing rollover!"

  • RUDE JOKE ALERT! IF EASILY OFFENDED, DON'T READ IT, INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING AFTERWARDS!

    Paddy and Murphy are sitting in the pub.

    Paddy: I'm just off over there to chat the woman up.

    Murphy: Ok.

    Paddy: Hello there, you're looking sexy tonight.

    Woman: Actually I'm a lesbian.

    Paddy: What's a lesbian.

    Woman: Well you see that woman over there with the big boobs and the short skirt? I'd like to take her to bed and lick her minge out.

    Paddy: I asked her and she said she's a lesbian.

    Murphy: What's a lesbian?

    Paddy: I'm still not quite sure, but I think that I'm a lesbian as well.

  • I must be desensitised, I didn't think that was rude at all?

  • How do you get down from a giraffe?

    You don't, you get down from a duck.

  • Ikea have launched a new range of lesbian beds, no screwing involved, just tongue in groove......
  • An Eskimo's car breaks down in Wales and he phones the AA. The AA man examines the engine and say "Ah, I see the problem. You've blown a seal." The Eskimo replies "So what? You shag sheep, but I didn't mention that!"

  • How does a snake keep his car windscreen clear?

    With windscreen vipers.

  • Negotiations are ongoing to export all the episodes of The Flintstones to the Middle East. Kuwait don't want any of them but Abu Dhabi do............
  • What are the fastest fish in the water?

    A motor pike and a side carp.

  • A new tribe has been discovered on a remote Pacific island. They count 2,4,6,8,10,12 then beat up outsiders.

    Apparently they only like heathan numbers.

     

  • My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas today.

    "How about a blow-job?" I said.

    "Well, you'll have to wait and see what you get from Father Christmas," she replied.

    Great. If I'd wanted a fat lump with a white beard to suck my cock, I'd have asked her mother.

  • Marc.S wrote (see)

    My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas today.

    "How about a blow-job?" I said.

    "Well, you'll have to wait and see what you get from Father Christmas," she replied.

    Great. If I'd wanted a fat lump with a white beard to suck my cock, I'd have asked her mother.

    Woman: We're having my mother for dinner tomorrow.

    Man: Well you will need a bigger over if you are going to cook that fat cow in it.

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