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Wheres that blanket of hugs when you need it? Keep the faith everyone. I've not met any of you, cept Caz who is lovely, and I just know that you are all equally lovely and worthwhile.
Bed time for me now. Home tomorrow and I've got a swim booked for 8am in the morning before breakfast. Not done any running though. Oops.
Thanks SD. Hope you've had a great time - plenty of time in the weeks ahead for running I'm sure. Got to get the old Virtual Running Club up and running again. I'm out with the real running club tomorrow night. Got a friend who's turning up as well which makes it easier and stops me from doing a runner.
I think trust comes with time LR; I don't know why I haven't clicked with Sally but it's not usually as tough as you'd imagine. If you are ever in trouble like that there are some alternatives. I've never found the Samaritans helpful but both Mind and Sane are brilliant because they offer practical help and support as well as just listening in the crisis. Mind do longer term stuff too, they even offer counselling and you don't need a referral - it isn't free but is means tested the minimum is £10 a session I think. I don't mean it in a take your problem somewhere else kind of way just that I don't ever want you to that feel scared and like you're all on your own with it. http://www.mind.org.uk/help
http://www.sane.org.uk/I hear there's a nice thread on RW where there are people who genuinely care who'll always be happy to talk stuff through with you too!Hi Soupy, oh you are right we do need to get the hug blanket out Good luck with the swim, we'll have breakfast waiting for you when you get back - I was supposed to do my first run today but didn't I think letting myself off the guilt for not going was a good call and I'm off tomorrow instead
Thanks SOLB - I'll check those out.
Looks like VRC is up and running again.
Right - really must get out of my bad habit of going to bed too late so I'm off now.
Nite nite. xxx
I think you're right the VRC has woken up from it's festive slumber, I will report back tomorrow I haven't even tried to make sure I haven't caved in to the no sleep before midnight rule - I can feel it's grip getting tighter but I don't feel like I have the energy to fight back. It was surprisingly easy to break last time so I'm hoping that I'm just saving my energy for the more pressing battles and that I'll be able to break it just as easily in a little while ... though of course I might be practicing that wonderful self delusion that comes when I'm letting everything slide.. (Hope not, running tomorrow will help and having emailed Sally I've at least flagged it - I'm under on min calories again today too, only a couple of hundred so it's not massively concerning but I'm worried that's a pattern forming) weirdly I know it's not a proper relapse, I am struggling but I'm still staying me and not an alter in sight - hard to carry all the burdens myself but I will get there - I feel really comforted by the fact I'm still me, not that the other stuff doesn't matter but it does belong to a totally different league to the DID stuff and it is much much less frightening and worrying I'm wondering if I can get out for a mile or two tomorrow - secretly hoping for two if I keep my pace right down but it's been a long time and my asthma is still making my lungs tight all the time (no shortness of breath today though) so I'm prepared for the fact that I might be disappointed. I've been massively reassured by Sossidge that she doesn't really hate me and I've been reading too much into imaginary signals with her. I think that being honest about feeling like every one dislikes me and finds me irritating is the best way to handle it all in the short term. If I interpret something as meaning someone doesn't like me I am going to try to be brave and just ask them if that's what they are thinking. They probably wouldn't just come out and say 'yes it was' but I could probably tell the difference between a real denial and a false one and at least it gives me a chance of someone being able to refute the 'certainty' that I've pieced together from tiny insignificant things. I didn't want to ask people cos I don't want to be whingey and annoying and, I still feel that, but I think if I use it sparingly and I'm as honest as I can be about why I'm being a bit needy at least I won't be driving myself to such abject misery. I don't want to compromise my recovery over this. I need to learn to trust people without being afraid of that trust.
That makes a lot of sense SOLB. I think the important thing is in explaining to people why you're having to do this. People should understand what you've been through and how this is a part of rebuilding your life. You've only recent started being 'you' again and that's a you with very little self confidence. I think you've got a real basis to start building on that there. As I said it's a long road and there may be setbacks along the way, but I'm sure you've found a way to start moving forward on this issue.
Hope the run goes OK. I've really got to myself out into that big bad world now.
hello my darlings...gosh its been a while since I've been in here. Christmas was lovely, a couple of meltdowns and the OCD might have been a bit of an unwelcome houseguest but for the most part I was ok. I have my next shrink session on 9th and my CMHT letter has arrived to confirm I am on the CBT Stage 3 waiting list so I am in the SYSTEM. Phew.
My meds seem to be stabilising me and I'm sort of working out my triggers for OCD to start misbehaving. Today is a classic case. Sat down, there are things that have to be done according to 'mad me' but I'm fighting it. Mainly because I'm in pain and what needs doing is going to hurt but also because I'm trying to challenge myself and change why/how/when I do things. I'll see how long I last though...makes me very twitchy.
PHEW! That feels better....talking about it. wow....
I don't think there are any other magic techniques for OCD - it seems to just be tolerate it and try not to completely lose your sh*t and have to start again and if you can do that enough times you'll start thinking just half of the world will end instead of the whole one and eventually no world ending at all*
*not quite sure that's how my CPN would put it
Glad the rest of life is still good
I lasted all of 30 mins...then I had to do the laundry, and the dishwasher. Feel much better now. Even though it hurt. SOLB, you always makes it make sense....that is exactly what I'm trying to do...not lose it totally and let all the "bad" thoughts take over.
I think a really big change for me was accepting that I shouldn't try to fight all of them at the same time but take one thing at a time. It makes it easier cos you're not overloaded but it's more than that. It meant that all the other rituals and stuff that I was still doing had become a choice. I had chosen to focus on something else and so to keep doing the thing I felt compelled to do but I didn't 'have' to in the same sense - if I'd wanted I could drop the thing I was working on and tackle the other instead. I promise it really does get easier but it's almost impossible when you are trying to carry the weight of not doing any of the rituals or giving in to any of the compulsions all at the same time ...... waaaaaaaay too heavy ducky! It's inevitable you're going to drop it when you're so overloaded, even people without OCD would cave if they tried to do ignore all the things that bothered them all at the same time and not to fix it if they knew how.Lasting 30 minutes is still a win. That's where I had to start. Tolerate it for 5 mins before following the rules, cos learning that nothing bad happens in the 5 minutes (or 30 in your case - wow ) is the first step.
Hello by 'eck. I am lucky in that I have T who is a rock - he helps challenge my behaviours without making me stress out or lose the plot. And when I do stress out and end up giving in, he understands why I'm doing it.
Hope you and Moo and little Miss are doing ok xx
Hi guys! I ran out of time to pop in last night. I had a health MOT which was generally good, but instead of focusing on the things that came up green she has to lecture me about the one in red - obesity. Those that have met me know that I'm not very over weight and I need a bit of body fat to withstand the cold water swimming.
Also had therapy. I'm not realdy to talk about it yet, but it was positive and we are having a few weeks off while I sort things out.
Hi, mimaduck, don't think we've 'spoken' before.
I've had one positive sign. It has been on my mind a lot that a big part of my problems is with not being able to be the same way in real life as I am on this forum. I find it so much easier on a forum to think about things and come up with, hopefully, a constructive and helpful response. One of my other activities that I don't think I've mentioned is a weekly game of five a side football. Last night one of our guys injured his wrist making a save in goal. He felt OK to carry on outfield though. At the end, I went up to him and asked him if it was OK and checked if he was OK to drive himself home. I thought nothing more of it at the time but later it occurred to me that this was just the sort of thing I tend not to do but later think I ought to have done. A mixture of depression, anxiety and shyness keeps me caught up in my own problems. Then when I fail to act in the way I would have wished, that makes me more depressed. What was particularly encouraging was that I wasn't even thinking I ought to make a point of doing it - it just happened. I think 'the real me' just made an unexpected and rare guest appearance.
Evening. I've just got home after a long journey so lovely to see the hugs blanket laid out with various goodies. By eck you are a star. I've had a really lovely time away thanks, and enjoyed my swim this morning. I didn't want to get out of bed but so glad I made the effort when I saw the dawn rising over Whitby Abbey - awsome. I had the pool to myself too so it was bliss.
Hi Mimiduck, sorry you are struggling but well done on the 30mins.
Solb - I love the Sane link, thanks. It has the Black Dog illustrations too and I was looking at that book this week which just summed things up so perfectly.I nearly bought it to help explain to someone what its like.
I'm thinking about a run tomorrow morning. 30mins round my local park. Shall we have a group run?
SOLB...you rock. That is all. xxxxx
That made me do this --- Thank you ducky
Sounds sensible by eck, some guidance or even just reassurance can't do any harm and you're more than entitled to ask for the help
Sorry I've been quiet, been rather busy shopping aqnd cooking and sorting bits out.
Tried to sort out my psych appointment that they had to cancel on December 19th and promised they'd ring back the next day (but didn't) - they now haven't got an appointment until Feb 1st
Fortunately I'm feeling relatively okay but it is a long wait.
I've been running - only half a mile but it's a start on my poorly knee
SOLB - *looks stern* of course we don't hate you and find you irritating, quite the opposite . I love chatting to you!
I did type out a message to say thanks to by 'eck for the providing the hugs blanket - but looks like I forgot to click submit. Cheered me up just as I was going out to work.
Will have to make a call tomorrow on the group run. Will probably take my gear and maybe get out at lunchtime. I have just done a six mile run with the running club. Glad my friend was there to 'backmark' with me as it is all the fits ones there on a Thursday. Good news is they're planning to have a second group running on the Thursday soon and a looking for run leaders. I'm in!
Well done on getting out there for a run today SOLB + Bear.
Lots of people around today with lots of stuff going on so big hugs for everyone. (((((((everyone)))))))