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Eating... Help me please.
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I sought help after university a few years back and saw a GP who was a medical unprofessional who clearly had no idea what to say and seems confused that I was not actually thin, asked me which supermodel I wanted to look lie (what???!) and told me I should just pull myself together and eat normally. This happy experience stopped me from asking for help for another few years as I convinced myself it was just a question of willpower and changing the aspects of my life so that they would be ideal and I wouldn't want to do it any more. Didn't work, surprise, surprise :-) Counselling gives you access to the person who manages ot ask the questions that need ot be asked. i thought I knew my illness well by the time I got there but then they'd asl a question and I'd think "aha, so THAT'S what's going on there!".
Striving to be normal - what's that? Striving to be comfortable in your own skin is better, i think. Because it sounds like there's a lot to be comfortable with even if you're not feeling it yourself.
Enjoy your weekend x
You're right, what even is normal? I need to learn to be accepting of myself, whatever. I just find it so hard when I lose control and binge - accepting myself after that, knowing that I'm going to gain weight if I don't do something quick, is so difficult. I really want to try to change my thinking and get my self-esteem up to what it should be so that my eating concerns can gradually stop giving me so much trouble!
I know the issues will never actually 'leave', I'm just going to have to practise coping with them better.
I always forget about the good things there are about myself. Normally I just totally disregard anything I succeed in as pure fluke or something that I could have done better at. And it always seems to come down to how fat I feel. I guess that's what counselling is there to stop me doing.
Sam the Man, if you are still struggling, I would go and see your GP so that he/she can refer you to somebody who knows what they're talking about. I'm really optimistic about getting this help, and I know that it would be good for you too. Just deciding to do it gives that boost in confidence. I bet it wont be as bad as you think...
Whilst I know and have heard many times before the advice regarding visiting a GP with my personal problems, I suppose my repeated pontification about the subject only reveals that I have not properly admitted that it is a problem. Somehow, I seemingly are 'happier' when miserable, or perhaps just more used to that mental state.
You seem to have acknowledged your problem which is clearly an important first step, and that by seeing your GP you are going to make progress.
STM
PS...are any of us 'normal', I mean some of us actually enjoy eschewing the luxuries of an engine and four wheels instead of two feet to cover distances of up to 26M, or even more in some cases. Now how can that be considered 'normal'?
Just wondered how you were getting on? Hope all is well with you.
I've been back home a few days, and have had to be really good. I'm trying. I saw my counsellor, who got me to remember the H.A.L.T. saying - ask myself if I'm Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. I've been doing that and find that I can change my mind about whether or not to binge. I just don't know how long it will last... I have such a bad track record where everything goes back to the way it was. But I'm still determined not to let setbacks stop me trying.
They actually prescribe anti-ds for bulimics a lot as seems to do something to help fight the urge to binge - although I'm not sure I have enough knowledge to explain the science behind it but anything that helps your mood and gets you on an even keel where you feel a bit stronger has to be good in my book.
Try not to worry about setbacks. It takes time and I had quite a few failed efforts along the way but the important thing i learnt is that one slip doesn't mean all is lost and you can build up again. Although I noticed that I had to learn to nip it in the bud after one binge as it was a lot harder to get back into good habits if I let myself lapse a few times. I always thought I'd have a date when I stopped bingeing and would acknowledge it in the way alcoholics have a last drink day but it really didn't work like that . I just got better bit by bit an dthe episodes and lapses got less and less until they sort of stopped. I don't know if you are aware but it really helped me to hear from the Ed team I saw that after a few months of non bingeing, the "urge" lessens until you gradually lose the feeling to binge. Makes things easier then. I can see that when I hit hard times now and I want to binge, it's more about thinking than a combination of thinking and teh physical feeling.
Scottish air is the best for running in my humble opinion as a Scot. I recently went back and did a week driving round the top of scotland, up the east coast and back down the west and it was amazing. Although we got freakishly sunny weather which helped.
From my fairly limited knowledge, the anti-depressants actually change the chemical balance that is disturbed by the effects of binge/purge/starve and so help resotre a more even balance, which once you get into a more regular eating pattern will also be achieved without them. Don't worry about taking the, they really work and you should not need them forever.
All the best.
This thread has freaked me out a little bit tbh....Summerrain, you could really actually be me posting under a different name. Everything you have typed so far could have come from my fingers.
See, I used to be 'anorexic' (3 stone lighter) and now that i'm fixed (i'e' a normal weight) size 10- not fat by any means but not a stick either. So everythings 'fine' apparently. But see, I'm where you are. And thats not fine.
When I was in a physically disastrous state from eating, was easy enough to get help. Now I would feel a fraud trying to tell my GP I still had an eating disorder as I am a normal weight, run a lot and look fine. But if it controls your mind 24/7 then how can it be fine. I sometimes try to convince myself,but its like I've transferred the anorexia into a running obsession. And now I will sort of eat to fuel the running, but only just. And then coz I'm still hungry end up craving sweet things all the time and it goes wrong.
I just wish I could be normal, eat, and not care. And not run if I couldn't be bothered.I think a-ds help to a point but can only do so much.
Gymfreak, I know what you mean about wishing to be normal, eat and not care. I cut my fat off my meat, swerve away from anything fatty whenever possible and quiz my Mum with hundred questions whenever she comes home from the shops. I thought living at home would make me less of a food-obsessed control freak, but its actually made me more so I think. Like you, I see others who are 'normal, eat and not care' and wonder how we ever got myself out of that mindset into the one we find ourselves in now. I suppose the way I try to deal with it is accept that I am going to have an unhealthy day (usually Sunday which is my day off) and have all my 'bad' things then...like the roasted skin on my chicken, crackling on pork (apologies to veggies) and of course a good pudding, last week baked vanilla cheesecake (RW recipe of course) and this week rhubarb fool with malt loaf (odd but sounds good). So you see, even then I can't just do bad sweets
Apologies for a slight hi-jacking of that thread to Summerrain!
I know what you mean about eating to fuel the running. We think we're eating enough, but maybe we're not. Do you ever get really tired?
Just a question? Do you guys eat dessert every day? I feel I have to or I will just lose control from 'depriving' myself. But then I eat one thing sweet and feel terrible, so have to eat more. Either way I end up losing control. I hate sweet foods being in existence, I wish everything was healthy!
Sam, I'm now going to work for the summer, then I've applied to do a PGCE so I can become a teacher. But that's just a backup for if I don't get pregnant any time soon! 3 degrees is good going! Well done!
As for the q re. dessert, only on Sunday's. If I do have anything sweet during the week, then its only ever a piece of fresh or a few dried fruits (and even then I feel guilty about it) I think its trying to find the 'healthy' sweet things out there - like dried fruits, nuts that sort of thing. As for 'desserts' then something like the malt loaf, the odd piece of flapjack etc is not too bad. Generally though I figure that its probably 'better' for me, however unhealthy it might be, if its been homemade...then I know what's going into it
I really need to cut out the desserts too, just save them for the weekend or something. Just have fruit or a yogurt during the week. Then something nice like cheesecake or crumble for the weekends. Do you feel deprived when you don't have desserty stuff through the week?
In all honesty, not really...if you don't have something or are not used to having something then you don't really miss it. That said, I am good and try not to have desserty type things around me. If I do want something sweet then a piece of fresh fruit or a few dried fruit usually do the trick. Ironically Monday's are usually the hardest, when I have just had something sweet (Sunday)...I find myself craving it more.
At worst I would probably have a slice of malt loaf or a biscuit as a rare treat during the week
I have desert or a "treat" every day. Helps keep me from feeling deprived which is something I did when trying to stop the binges as part of regular meal and snacks (oh the horror that was at the time!) and is a habit I've held onto.
I usually have a small piece of cake or half a chocolate bar or some dark chocolate. I still feel "guilt" if I eat certain things too (takes time to drop the obsession, sigh) so try not to take it to far but am working all kinds of foods back into my diet now I'm on an even keel. I do feel the urge to eat only certain foods and healthy foods but I know that way of thinking got me to where I ended up so I try to work on the principle that if I am going to eat something, I am going to enjoy it. I try to make sure I eat with a friend in a restaurant regularily where I will make a point of being more adventurous with my food and the company and conversation stops the anxiety a bit.
i push myself to be more open with my diet but not so far that I feel truly anxious. for example, I ate a big piece of chocolate fudge cake last weekend which is something i couldn't have done 12 months ago without triggering a binge but i could only do it because I went spinning earlier that day and knew I had a run planned for teh next day. but i enjoyed it. it takes time to break the obsession and I truly believe it comes from building up to something on a series of small successes.
I've been scared I'd tip back from bulimia into some form of anorexia which I now know I was verging on in the summer before I went to uni after the orthorexia healthy-eating obsession went too far and I became bulimic. I didn't want to just re-enter the cycle again but changing the way I think about things has stopped that from happening.
Can't recommend The Body Image workbook enough. Bit cheesy at times but really helped me improve my body image.
It's mad how something like a relationship with food can be so crazy!
Anyway, after what I've just eaten I really feel the need to go running... but I know this is just going to set up another nasty cycle. So I'm going back up to Leeds to see my family so that I can take my mind off of what's happened and get back on track. If I dwell on it, it will only make things worse. I know that I can go running tomorrow and be back on track with it all. And, get this, I haven't said anything horrible to myself at all! It must be the drugs making me think this way, it wasn't that long ago that I would absolutely hate myself for bingeing and have to run a couple of hours before I could even think of anything else.
I'm going to look for that body image workbook - like you said, the more you try to change the easier it gradually becomes.
This is wierd... I'm being rational. Doesn't feel like me at all. But it's good I guess.
Workbook did help me - and believe me I was sceptical but at a low point where I'd try anything. I'll find out who the author is when I'm at home and let you know. You just have to work through it chapter by chapter. You can by it in big book stores with the usual ED/CBT books under psychotherapy or something. I used to hope they'd think I was a doctor or a psychology student buying the book for studious purposes rather than for myself. COuldn't care less now - so long as no-one I actually know saw me buying them.... Couldn't use amazon as I liv in a shared house and if you get a parcel through it's excitement and intrigue for everyone :-)
hope the baby plan comes along. My sister is a head teahcre and pregnant so you could combine them!
Anyway, it's a gorgeous day today. Think I'm going to make use of a sunny late evening today to go for a nice long run. I love summer evening running. Great for getting that high
Thanks for your help (and if you find out the author of that book, do let me know please! Thanks!)
x
you sounds great, you know what you want - to be healthy and happy and as long as you got that goal, there isn't any reason why you won't get there.
might take lots of work figuring it all out..but you'll get there if you want it enough..
try shifting your focus, guessing that for however long your weight/running/body have been the main thing you've based your self esteem on, and this might be why when you do eat something you think you shouldn't, you feel bad so quickly cos it's not just the food that goes down but your self esteem..and really when you think about it...there's really no need for that to happen, you're the person you are, not how you feel
i've spent years using weight as the centre of everything - how i feel, how i see myself, how i see other people, how i judge my self worth..
but just the other day it clicked that that really is not what life's about..and suddenly when weight isn't your main focus, it's just a fuel now and pleasure isn't about eating, it's everything else, all the people in my life, the happy times i choose to create, the responsibility i take for my own choices, the positive actions i can take..
but at the same time it has to be your own journey, like millions of ppl can tell us what to do but at the end of the day the only person who knows exactly what you need is you, and you're the only person who can fix it up too..
i know it's cliche but learn to love yourself, find the great ppl around you who support who you are as a person, focus on what you love to do, and probably most important learn to relax..you deserve that!
Anyway really hope you find your way through, sure you will, feel free to email if you like
take care
xx
I just want to be a healthy, happy mother and that's what I am focusing on. It really is so much more important than how I look or how much control I am in over something that's going to go anyway once I've had a baby! Haha.
x
For you Summerrain that might be de-stressing after uni and focusing on having a baby, for TTNAI it may be about just being healthy and for me its a case of focusing on balance between the running and the food.
- and should it be of any comfort that we all wind ourselves up in unnecessary knots of angst - five minutes of News 24 and the depressing world out there may make you realise how 'small and insignificant' these feelings are in the bigger scheme of things...which is not to belittle anything that we go through, but just to add some perspective to the whole thing
TTNAI - how are you doing now? Do you cope OK without the running?
Coping without running is difficult - although channeling yourself into other activities can be good - for example I tackled lots of cross training 'type' activities when I was injured last year, but did not view them as such (things like gardening and so forth - that way I did not think about them as exercise and beat myself up over trying to do as much as possible, but rather to enjoy it)
hope you've been enjoying your runs in the sunshine.
Better late than never hopefully but the Body Image workbook is by Thomas Cash. It really helped me and they said I had one of the worst scores they'd ever seen for the questionnaires at the front. Just booked a hol for Sept to go and meet my boyfriend who is away for a year in Indonesia and I am looking forward to wearing my bikini (without a t-shirt over it!) for the first time ever this year :-)