Mental illness and running



  • Grown ups?



    Hi everybody!

  • Big hugs needed for SOLB methinks (((((((SOLeigh Bells)))))))

    I'm sure solbsis doesn't feel let down by you.  The progress you've made lately must mean a lot to her so don't be too hard on yourself.

    Better day for me.  Not a good start as I made an early start and went out without breakfast and, more importantly, the tablet I was supposed to take.

    Decided that I will have that chat with my colleague that I have lunch with.  She says she does want to help, and yesterday having to go through with lunch with really had the opposite effect.  It's just a case of wording it right.  I find it so easy to express myself on here - speaking to people can be so much more difficult.  They interupt and throw me off track!  Anyway that's phase 2 of my big plan ready to roll.

    Been rallying round a couple of colleagues who have been victims of the bullying culture at work today.  That probably brought out the best in me and made me feel better about myself too.

    By 'eck - do recent events mean your plans a run tomorrow have been de-railed?  I'm looking for a bit of encouragement to get out there again.


  • I'm hoping not but it looks like I'll have to take Moo to the hospital on the bus. It's a bummer cos it will take most of the day. Mr by eck reckons he!s too poorly
  • image that's a shame by eck.

    Ooo sounds like all the phases of your plan have come together nicely so far ... next step taking over the world?

    I've cried myself out now. It's at least an appropriate reaction to horrible things. Old me would have 'coped' but internalised it. I've talked lots through with regards to some of the bad stuff though sadly the rest is just the way it is. I wish I had a magic wand but I don't and I'm not helping crying.

    Sending out lots of love into the world tonight
  • Hey Big D,

    Did you find any grown-ups?
  • Ooh, yes, I've always fancied a go at being Doctor Evil!!

    I'm certainly getting more emotional with all that's going on.  Had a few tears after my Sunday and Monday runs.  Got a bit emotional about a really nice message in a Christmas card I read when I got home this evening.  Feel like something's just going to open the floodgates at some point - bound to be in public at the most embarrassing possible time!

    The world benefits from your love SOLB.  Good job you've got so much give!



  • Evening. I've got enough chilled thoughts today to share round everyone so come and take whatever you want. I've had such a lovely day. Girls day out, starting with lunch at a nice restaurant where we had pink cocktails to start with, then on to The Sanctuary Spa from 3.30 to 8.30 and finally a late supper in Leicester Square. I feel like I've had a week's holiday. I was going to go by myself but as one of my targets is to make more contact with friends I asked if anyone wanted to join me and it was such a right thing to do. Confidence has gone up another 2 notches. 

    Hope everyone has a positive day tomorrow. I'm planning to run at lunch time so I'll make sure I do it if by eck and LR do. How far shall we go? 


  • I could make it a lunchtime run around 13.00.  I would probably go for about 2.5k out for the office along by the canal out to a pub just outside town - realise that my money is back at work so can't stop for a drink so run straight back (5k in total).   Leaving the money behind is deliberate to avoid temptation.

    Great to hear you've had such a good day today. 


  • Okay, 5k lunch time run is sorted.  Thats about right for me. Rain or shine - I'm out there. (caveat - if its really bucketing it down I'll resort to the dreadmill). 

    Night all.



  • Forecast says the rain we've had for the last day and a half will be stopped by then.  I'll be out there in any case.

  • I'll get ready to cheerlead, I have my new inhaler called Fostair hoping to join in the running very soon.

    I've been saying I'm off to bed since about 10 but I really, really am now
  • Yeah, me too.  Another phase of the plan is being worked on at the moment.  Will only take me a few more minutes.  Will explain more tomorrow. 

    Hey, that's an idea.  Keep everyone in suspense with the last post of the day.  Tune in tomorrow for another thrilling instalment folks when all will be revealed!

    Night all xx

  • Ooo the suspense is so great I can't sleep ... actually no I went to renew my car insurance quickly before I went to bed but the cheapest insurance co had a problem on their website so it wasted a few hours of my life then kept telling me to phone them. I can't talk on the phone so went to the next couple but they were underwritten by the same annoying company. Eventually I added a driver and upped an excess and got a quote with a completely different company - I now happily have insurance, a headache and a £363 less in the bank. (I can't afford to buy it outright but the APR was greater paying in installments than the interest rate for my overdraft image

    I'm tired but don't wanna sleep cos going to bed so late having not taken my meds yet means I'll struggle to wake up tomorrow; DaddySOLB is coming over tomorrow morning - cos I picked something up for MummySOLB's Christmas present on his behalf. I haven't spoken to my parents for quite a while and it's been ages since I had a spotty hug. Now my car is legal again I might offer to go over there and deliver the present - I could cycle (a little over 8 miles each way) wonder how long this inhaler takes to work ........... 

  • Oh, go on then I'll reveal.  I was filling in a form for a 'Leadership in running fitness' course.  Would be a good way of leading to getting more involved with the running club.  On a Tuesday they have three groups of different abilities but on Thursday just one which tends to be the really fit ones and all us let fit ones tend to be put off by that so I'm hoping there's scope for getting a 2nd group started on a Thursday.

    And I thought you were being good there SOLB by getting off to bed before midnight!  Sounds a bit like me though in that I just couldn't settle until I'd got certain things done.  The mistake being I didn't start on those jobs until about 23:30.

    Running gear in the bag, TSD, and ready to roll.  SOLB - get your pom poms at the ready!!

  • Oooooo now LR that does sound positive (leadership = world domination)

    *yawns and stuffs pom poms up her jumper* I'm ready image
  • I've done that course LR.  It didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know, but it gave me some things to think about, a structure or framework to hang my thoughts from, and lots of confidence.  It was worth it for me, just for that.

  • I think the time has come for me to come clean as to why I lurk.  I may well post all of this then change my mind and delete it.  I don't mind people knowing but I'm not sure that I want a permanent record.

    This has been a terrible week for me and I need to get things off my chest.

    Background:  My dad emotionally abused me and still tries to when he can.  Over the years I have been discovering the knock on effects of this, which have been very varied and a lot greater than I ever realised.  I thought it was just affecting my confidence and self esteem which I have been rebuilding in other ways.  but there is so much more to it.

    Hubby didn't take me seriously when I mentioned it to him, although he was kinda supportive in that he did his best not to leave me alone with my dad.  The abuse only happened behind closed doors so if there was someone else there then I was safe.

    Now Hubby isn't around I don't have the courage to visit my family on my own, so I have decided to do something about it.  I've been having therapy.

    Up until this week the therapy seemed like a waste of money, but at the start of this week something happened which has triggered a whole load of events:  an old friend from my school days has got in contact.

    Its been lovely to hear from her and we are going to meet up soon, but she triggered a whole load of memories that I had been supressing.  Its left me very mixed up, confused, emotional...

  • I discussed this at therapy, but it didn't seem to be a very productive session and I came away thinking that I am wasting my money and probably won't continue after Christmas.

    Then that evening I was talking with a friend and things started falling into place.  I began to see why I behave as I do in certain situations.  I'll spare you the details but I was getting myself into a bit of a state with so many emotions flying around and also feeling pleased that I felt that I was making some good progress.

    I was interupted by a call from a friend.  She had been abducted, assaulted and dumped in a part of London that she didn't know, by someone that she did know.  She was hardly able to talk, so details were very sketchy to start with and I jumped in the car and drove down to London.  I'll spare the details about her other than to say that she was very shaken up but physically ok.

    We found a safe haven and spent the whole night talking - her about her issues and me about mine, and a lot of other crap just to distract her from her ordeal.  Things that she said resonated with me and added more pieces to the jigsaw that is my life, but I was in 'Big Sister's going to Take Charge of this Situation and Make Everything Alright' mode and not in a position to deal with it personally at the time.

  • I got home eventually late yesterday afternoon, absolutely exhausted and planning on going straight to bed, but I thought I should pop in to FB briefly to report back to the person I was talking to the night before when I got the phone call from London.  I'd just posted to her that there was an emergency and had run, so I didn't want her to worry.

    That was when I found out about the bit of news that has also floored SOLB.

    It was the final straw for me and in my exhausted state I couldn't cope with it. I did something that I haven't done for decades:  I cried.  Proper tears.  Proper howling as if the world is going to end.  And it hurt inside.  Properly hurt.  I hadn't realised that I never hurt anymore.

    Last night I slept badly.  I had lots of strange dreams - partly from my childhood, partly fictional, partly metaphorical.  I woke this morning even more tired that I had been the night before and unable to control the tears.  More proper howling.  There was more stuff in the dreams that unleashed memories and feelings and I haven't had time yet to process it all.

    I went to work, but I spent more time crying than working... and I didn't care that I was displaying negative emotion to people that I'm not close to.  Thats another real break through.

    There will be a lot more tears to come over the next few days, but I've made so much progress.  I'm beginning to feel that I want to go back and see my family.  I might even feel strong enough to be able to do that in the next couple of weeks

    But the real revelation is that I no longer have to be strong and in control.  I've always had to consider other people and look out for them, think about how my actions affect them, be strong and comfort them however bad I am feeling.  But there is nobody anymore.

    At the weekend a friend gave me a piece of paper.  It was a licence to be myself. Today I used it for the first time in 38 years and it felt good.

  • (((((((SuperCaz)))))))

    Gold star for bravery on posting that. I hope you are feeling some release.

  • ((((((((((SC)))))()))))))

    Sometimes we need permission to be ourselves. It doesn't mean we've failed, just that we're worried how it could feel and perhaps need reassurance that at least one person will be watching our for us

    Thanks to you guys I went out for a run. I'm actually writing this in the bath cos I got so muddy nd I don't have much time today. But I feel amazing, and loved and supported thanks to some wonderful people
  • Glad you enjoyed your run by eck. I enjoyed mine too. Half an hour so not quite 5k (yes I'm that slow) but it felt good and I wanted to go on but no time. I just ran 15mins one way, turned round and went back again. No showers at work so locked myself in the disabled loo for a good wash. No perfect but it did the job. I normally go down the gym for a shower but couldn't be bothered to get my bike out and I won't have time in my new job. And that starts in January now. 


  • +1 to the gold star, I'm glad that you are coming to terms with yourself and your experiences - I'm not sure it'll be easy all the way but I'm sure it can't be any harder than constantly trying to suppress things. As always you know you have friends who care - I think friends are sometimes more caring and loving than families. Sounds like a huge, huge step for you to even be contemplating visiting.  

    I love the idea of having permission to be yourself, sounds very liberating. 

    So thrilled you went running by eck - I'm so excited about getting to join in with the running efforts soon. I think reporting back makes it easier in the horrible stage where you don't have a routine yet and the sofa looks too comfy and the to do list too long. I'm glad you've reminded me how powerful and uplifting running is. 

    Soupy that sounds perfect for a lunchtime run ... and I only grinned slightly at the thought of your disabled loo contortions image 

    Woop de wooo for new jobs image

    I'm not very proud of myself today - I still feel like I'm shortchanging everyone and being a bit pathetic and mememe but I'm doing my best and there's not much more I can do.

    I love the vibe in here; it's so supportive and warm but it's not forced either  image 

  • PS. I got a Christmas card from Bear, Shaun and Sheena today - it made me smile before I'd even opened the envelope!! OCD really doesn't seem to phased at all by all the Christmas clutter - I really am well image 

    I've really messed up with timings this year and haven't even written any let alone posted them. I know lots of people aren't too worried about Christmas cards but I like to have the reminder to write to my friends cos they mean such a lot to me. I think I'm going to send non-Christmas cards in January instead image 

  • SOLB, I don't think you are short changing anyone.  There is a lot going on at the moment and everyone understands.  You have a new life to get used to too, now that you are well and able to participate in it.  You can't adjust over night.

    Well done on the run by 'eck and Soupy.  I need to stop making excuses and start exercising.  A few things have happened over the last week to make me realise that I need to do something about my fat deposits before they get out of hand.

  • Likewise ((((((((((((SuperCaz)))))))))))))).  Well done on coming out with what you did.  These things are always painful to work through but you're obviously determined to take positive steps.  As you know, there's plenty of support and encouragement on here so please keep posting.  Actually I think that's pretty much what you said to me when I first posted - so you know it already.

    Succesful run as I completed my 5k -ish run in 32 minutes.  Was struggling a bit early on but the desire to post positive news on here encouraged me to push on and it got easier.  Thanks particularly to TSD for getting me up for it in the first place - wouldn't have happened otherwise.  Nobody spotted the flaw in my plan though - canal side run / day and half's rain = flood water.  Not too bad - just a couple of spots where I had to splash through otherwise the water was close to but not on the path.  Better than trying to run on the nearby common where the water will probably be waist deep by now.

    SOLB - I think you've said the important thing there when you said you're doing your best.  You certainly are and you should feel proud of that. 

    Think we've almost got us a virtual running club here!


  • I like the virtual running club. I'm going to start running more. I tend to wimp out and go for a swim, which then often turns into just sitting in the jacuzzi. But nothing clears my head and lifts my spirits like a run. I'll just have to sort out some different routes around work. 

    Can't ask for more than our best, and we don't have to be at our best all the time either. That wouldn't be realistic. 

    I had a little wibble this afternoon when I found out that some of my "lovely colleagues" had hidden from me a huge box of chocolates given to the department from the executive as a festive thank you. I nearly crumbled then decided I could choose how I feel and opted for fun option of finding the box and taking a big handful of chocs out of it. image

  • Well done, TSD.  Me and a colleague had some choccie revenge the other day.  When we last had a 'Quality Street' in the office, another colleague nicked all the purple ones in one go.  So this time we got in first when she wasn't around!

    Actually got a big hug and kiss from one 'bullied' colleague today at the end of day.  Support for her problems is obviously much appreciated so that feels good.  Not that I have significant problems with colleagues, but I do cut myself off when depressed and I do feel I've 'built bridges' a bit this week.  Hope your new colleagues are more like this TSD.

    Any ideas for a name for the virtual running club?


  • *waits for Soupy to share the loot!!* 

    I love the idea of a virtual running club - getting worrying this, we might actually be in danger of being on topic for a running forum image

    Awww LR that's so lovely, you've probably made such a difference to her life - the bad times are awful but wow do you get to see some amazingly good and kind people along the way .... must make you pretty proud to be one of those people today!  

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